Thought Bubble #2

Every time I think about this blog, I am full of anxiety because I want to write about things that are interesting to lots of people and add my own little flair to it. I initially wanted it to be some sort of advice column, and that idea was short lived... What I've wanted to stay away from, is it becoming some sort of online diary. BUT! We don't always follow rules now do we? I need to vent, I don't want to talk about it because spoken words aren't my forte... so I guess I'll write. I don't know the exact amount of people who read this, nor do I care, I'm just about to let my brain barf...

So I am now 26 years young and in my head I've had some life experience. I just feel like at some point I decided to step back and have a look at what's going on... and then started doing some weird zig zag pattern with life where I'm not completely moving forward but not going back, yet not standing still.... That crap doesn't make any sense and I guess it gives even more life and meaning to the anxiety that I feel in my chest on a daily basis. It's gotten to the point where even having circle-time doesn't help me to not think...

I do a lot of thinking... I think about what exactly it is that I want to be/do when I really do have to grow up. I think about things that have happened, and the reasons why they did happen. I think about my current work situation and how wacky it is, but I think about the reasons why I can't leave yet. I think about boys (that word is as general as I wanna be without being specific) and how all they do is make you think.. SMH. I think about my past relationships, and how they've done something... I don't know if they made me grown, shrank me down, or just fudged me up completely but I sure do a lot of thinking about them. I think about how easy it is to be with someone for a long time just to not be alone, be taken for granted and stick through it... just to not be alone, and then in the end when you are alone, you're fine... but it's too late because you already had to live through that other stuff. I think about the people who I love and care about, their problems, and how I can try to help them. I friggin think.

But as much thinking as I do, I still kind of feel like I don't think enough... I had a conversation yesterday where I was being asked questions about myself, and I couldn't answer them. Questions like:

• Long term do you want to be married?
• Do you see yourself in a completely monogamous relationship?
• Have you ever had a "normal/healthy" long-term relationship?

------ Apparently those questions are very f*#king hard for me to answer... I DON'T KNOW... I really hate those words... I know things about myself like the fact that I want to know about everything to the point where I either seem nosey or like an annoying know it all.. I know that I do enjoy having one person to be with, but I can't say that I have faith in marriage and that I even agree with it... but that's me.. and when I gave that answer it then had a follow-up question... Where do you think that comes from? MY PARENTS! I'm not going to go into the whole parental units being a little off because it's not like they had the most shocking story in the history of marriages and divorces... we'll just say that they impacted my view of relationships and commitment in general. To the point where I don't really know what I want/need/expect from a relationship, I don't even know who I'm into. I start getting close to people and I never want them to know everything about me, it even works that way with my friends. Something I hear all too often is "I can't really read you Sherry". I smile when this is said to me because I find it funny that I think I am so out there, that it's impossible for people to not know exactly how I feel... but at the same time I know exactly what I'm doing... because my brain is always telling me what to do... I think a lot remember?

I constantly contradict myself because I'm not exactly sure what the hell I'm doing with every step I take. I say I'm not a risk taker but I never have a plan. I say I'm not experimental or outgoing but then (and my friends know at least this much) I'll try ANYTHING once. I laugh a lot, it may sound cute but it's just my own little defense mechanism, like my own little protection because sometimes I laugh at things that make me really sad but the thing is if I laugh at it then I automatically tell myself it's funny... and I'm instatly "un-hurt"... I say a lot and it's not always what I do. That scares me. I don't know who I am sometimes... I don't know who I wanna be... Should I? Jeez Louise! I'm having a Mid-20's life crisis and this Sh*t isn't fun at all... It's scary to think that you don't know yourself after your whole dang life!

Here are the tricks that I practice in order to not make people who care about me worry (and I'm sure if any of you are reading this now you'll begin to worry, but please don't...):

1. Smile! Even when all I want to do inside is cry. Sometimes... as happy and chipper as I may appear to be, I got a million and two point five things doing a mad dash through my head like they're doing sprints... It's to the point where I can almost keep up with whatever people are telling me, while I think at the same time... Exhausting.
2. Daydream like it's nobody's business. I keep myself busy not only with thoughts but sometimes I like to live out what my thoughts would be like in real life... in my head<<< I truly think that I've lost my mind... so don't worry you're not alone in thinking this about me.
3. Circle-Time a.k.a. Long Distance Phone Calls- Yes, they certainly make me feel a little better.

• Soothe my anxiety.
• I'm around people I know and most of the time care about, so there is a comfort zone in this activity that momentarily makes me feel safe and happy... like a smokey security blanket. Yikes!

4. Talk... excessively. Not about anything that's bumming me out or making me feel a certain way.. most of the time that's still a secret to me until I explode. But about anything under the sun. Including repeating stories that I've probably told a million times, just to fill the silence that I'm afraid would happen if I for one f*#king second shut the hell up... This one is frustrating, because I don't think the people that I'm talking to realize how badly I just want to shut up sometimes.

Now this post by no means is a cry for help guys.. lol. I love my life and all the confusing sh*t that happens in it, all the paradoxical behavior is just one more little quirk it offers. I just feel like I don't express my feelings and sometimes it's important. I tend to keep it all up in hee-ah (circular motion in the upper chest) and then when something small like a Coke instead of a Pepsi happens, I break down into tears (that's an exaggeration but you get what I mean lol). And I might as well make you all suffer through reading this long as hell and self-absorbed rant! 8^*

So much for not making this an online diary... Well I still keep some secrets...
That's important.


Sherry <3