fear
/fi(ə)r/
Noun
|
anx·i·e·ty
/aNGˈzī-itē/
Noun
|
|
These are two feelings that I am very familiar with. I can’t
say they’re my favorite feelings but they happen to me more often than not. Lately,
it’s been easier for me to admit that I’m not a risk taker. That may not be entirely true though because
I do take risks, but they’re calculated risks. I like to think things through
and do research and even make sure I know the consequences. This is why I tend
to not be very spontaneous.
This kind of makes me feel like I’m not living my life to its full potential. I asked one of my friends for advice on whether or not to accept concert tickets from someone and the response I got was “Live a little” … I didn’t live a little because I declined the concert tickets, I weighed the consequences against the reward… and the consequences won. I don’t want to say that I’m a feline (be creative on what I mean by that lol) but I definitely don’t like to make the wrong decisions. Precisely why I’m 26 years old and I’m not a mother and have never really had to deal with those kinds of scares. I take calculated risks.
But I do this sh*t all the time… and sometimes I get annoyed by it because I spend a lot of time in my head thinking about the smallest things, and playing out made up scenarios where things can go in the worst direction ever, which almost always ends in me not going through with the original thought which brought on the whole scenario playing in my head to begin with.
Even the simplest thing like telling someone how I really feel about them becomes a huge task. It’s not like I can’t just say it…. Oh! That would be so simple… I need to go through the list of things that may go wrong:
- They may not feel the same way.
- They may just want this to be a sex thang and not an actual thang.
- They might have someone else lined up and I’m going to look like a fool!
- What if I say this and then I can’t be friends with them anymore…
That’s the scariest thought that last one. I would hate for
one of my thoughts that decided to escape from my minds prison to cause those
types of consequences. I enjoy the people that I keep in my life… So much that
I would rather not have them know certain thoughts just to make sure they are
comfortable and then I could deal with the feelings of not letting things out
later. It kicks my butt to not say everything but it works out for the best… I
think…
What if I just spoke with no regards as to the repercussions or other people’s feelings, how would I feel then? One of my loved ones tells me that I care too much about other people and that’s why I go through all these motions and end up eating myself up inside. I know it isn’t healthy but I’d rather feel fear or anxiety of losing someone as opposed to guilt for hurting someone’s feelings or saying something to make someone leave my life. I would be devastated.
I don’t know what the solution is to this problem but I know that I may not even find it. I would have to do a total re-evaluation of my character in order to not care about everyone else’s feelings in any situation. And by this statement I’m not saying that I’ve never hurt anyone’s feelings, because I have, and sometimes it’s intentional because my feelings were hurt first while other times it’s unintentional and I end up feeling terrible.
I guess this is just me feeling funny about things I don’t understand, the feelings just aren’t fun.. bleh
Sherry <3