Though bubble/ brain diarrhea

Been a while huh?... I like to say that I love to write, and I do... but I never wanted to make an online diary.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.... Some things are private...

With that said.......................

AHHH F*ck it!!

I'll speak (type) as freely as I feel comfortable speaking (typing)....

So I've recently become more aware of who I "am"... by that I mean who I come off as to people...

I love the reaction and the feedback that I get from people! It's f*cking beautiful it warms my heart and sets my soul on fire....

Unfortunately what it's made me realize is...

I AM VERY F*CKING GOOD AT HIDING MY FEELINGS...

at times... even from myself....

I've had sh*t happen to me.. that only a handful of the closest people to my heart know of, and not ALL of the people I hold dear know it all...

The saddest part about them not knowing... Is that I won't tell them so that THEY don't hurt as much as I do from time to time....

I know a lot of people go through sh*t like this and I wanna say to you "I feel you baby... I know the pain of keeping secrets and I know the anxiety it causes to know you should let it out but NEVER know the words to say.... And fear your involuntary emotional reaction...." **Hug**

I hate crying...
It drains me...
It's cleansing, no doubt.... but I feel like I went super saiyan and wasted all that energy...just to feel empty....

It's like the feelings of anxiety and sadness (for lack of a better word) fill you and keep you..... Happy? 

Yea that sounds crazy.... I don't care...

I've learned to not even tell myself how I feel... I don't say everything not even in personal password-protected diaries/journals.... It's like my mind keeps my emotions in an illogically guarded prison.... F*CK! 

So every now and then it feels like you gotta take a break from life... But all you really gott do is talk... Which seems simple enough... But it's not...

Because how do you rally put all your feelings and thoughts and (somewhat) regrets into words without feeling like a little betch -_-

So you don't...

But what isn't a priority is how it affects all those who actually give a f*ck about you and visibly see you hurting...

I personally try to lie to myself by trying to glorify anything that seems even remotely better and just I-love-Lucy style sweep sh*t under the rug... And do "extracurricular" things to basically quiet the feelings... But eventually they one back.. LOUD! 

I don't know how to put my sh*t into words...

I don't know if I ever will... I'm thankful that I have certain people I can share even a little with though...

I make crazy decisions sometimes... In my right mind... I can't even blame it on "extracurricular" activities... Because my thoughts are never cloudy in those moments... Even of I say they are...

I want to apologize to anyone that I've made feel bad because of my personal sh*t... It's selfish of me... 

And this in no way is a complete blog...

But it'll do for now...

Peace

Letter to Dad...

Dad-

I love you. You know it really hurts me to say that. It hurts because I don't think you deserve my love. I think you don't deserve me to care. You really don't. I think to myself sometimes that it isn't good for me to harbor so much resentment towards you and I try to let go, but I can't bring myself to call you because I always have to try to make you want to be in my life!
I can always remember things you did towards the end of your marriage to my mother, and though it's better that you aren't together (there is no use in being with someone you don't love) the way you went about it wasn't right, and it's hard for me to even think of forgetting it.

Do you know how important a father is in a child's life? For boys they are the role model that teaches them what they need to be when they grow up, the blueprint of the man they will be...
but for girls...
You were supposed to be:

• My first love!

• My protector, security!

• I was supposed to be afraid to bring a guy home because he might not meet up to your standards!

• I was supposed to be your little girl... your princess....your only daughter...

Instead you divorced mom and us along with her... that shit fucking hurt!!!

I know why you guys divorced... I was there every step of the way... I wasn't a baby... I fucking caught you myself!
I overheard hushed phone calls...
I found condoms/other sex "stuff" in your possession...

And I had to console my mother as you lied...
and lied...
and lied...

You have never been affectionate and I have gathered in my head that it stems from your childhood being fucked... but did we have to pay for it?
Why couldn't you break the cycle?
I can barely remember ever getting a hug from you...
That has affected me in my adult life...
My choice in men is sad... because they are reminiscent of you...

I choose men that:

• show no emotion or affection

• have short tempers

• watch massive amounts of TV mostly sports

• have great senses of humor (because not everything about you is deplorable)

• are to themselves and don't talk much

• cheat

I blame anytime that my heart has been broken or ached on you!
Where were you?!
Where ARE you?! 
You don't talk to me because you don't want to... or maybe because the woman that you left your family for (with her two daughters who you decided to make yours) doesn't want you to talk to me....
What ever your reason is...
I still think that you're a coward...
You have THREE biological children! THREE!
And we all have to chase after our father...
is that fair?
And I know that we can love other people's children, I've been there with my partner... but I don't see how you can claim them over your own...
By this I mean no offense to your step daughters, Because one of them I love, but you aren't their father... you're MY father! And you haven't acted as such for over 10 years! and that hurts me to the bottom of my soul...

Do you know what it felt like to hear from one of your family members that the reason you and my mother got a divorce was because SHE cheated on you?! That crushed me! You have never admitted to it and you go to church every Sunday and kiss THAT woman in front of God...
You should be ashamed of yourself...

And I don't even want to get started on her....
I know she's the reason you don't reach out to me...
I NEVER, EVER, EVERRR want to see her... even if I do decide to let YOU back into my life..
The way she spoke to me was terrible... and you let her... because you are a coward... you should have told her not to talk to me that way... you should have told her she was wrong for it... instead, you told me to relax... and proved to me where your heart is...

You hurt me... so much that I can't find it in me to be a bigger person any longer.

You have made me be one of the many girls who have daddy issues...

And I don't know how to forgive you for that...

So if you're looking for a way back in, you're going to have to grown the other kind of balls... not just the ones you used to have any of us.... The kind that people use when they need to handle things and stop being cowards... and not ask my brothers to get through to me. (as much as I appreciated my brother's effort, it isn't his responsibility to mend our relationship)

Because if  you're really interested in having a relationship with me... being my daddy has been taken off the table.... you only have the option of being my father.

and you know how to get in contact with me...

signed...

Sherry

No love allowed...

You started to open up to me, but what for?

You mentioned being roommates, but what for?

You asked if I had ever thought about a relationship, but what for?

You said "we should go on vacation together"…

"Or with people"…

"Or just us"... BUT WHAT FOR?

You said you wanted to be my friend for a long time…

You know keep me under your wing... 

Well, what happened?

Did you suddenly forget that I am human as well and have feelings too?

What were your intentions?

Seriously, what were you trying to do?

It isn’t fair...

Do YOU think it is?

If the roles were reversed, how would you take it?

Is it really 'kay to treat someone the way you treated me?

I don’t think I could ever do that to anyone… 

But I guess we’re cut from a different cloth huh?

And then you have no emotions towards my reaction to this act of disrespect… 

I’m dramatic?

Is my vagina showing now?

Or are you just being a penis?

You LET.... 

MADE me get closer!

You even asked me to open up to you, let my guards down,

 BUT WHAT FOR?

Do you get satisfaction out of hurting someone, so much that they have to forcibly do normal things like eating, sleeping, breathing…?

I’ve been through lots, and maybe I don’t talk about it because I don’t feel like having a pity party over something I’ve survived through.

Maybe I’m guarded for a reason.

Maybe I don’t think everyone should know EVERY single little thing that happens in my thoughts.

Maybe some things that happen are private and for the best reason in the world……

So that I don’t get hurt…

And do you know what the worst thing is?

...................................................................................

 

The worst thing is that aside from me being hurt, 

I am still not vindictive.

You’re lucky.

I can see how you are with her, 

I can see our similarities and our differences

and I could have said anything I wanted to her,

but I didn’t because I respect you as a friend.

Something you don’t do for me.

So when you sit back and think… 

“What happened to her? She used to be different…” 

Just remember YOU were the one who took the Friend out of Friends with Benefits, 

and lost the benefits along with a friend.......... 

Fear & Anxiety Thought Bubble

fear  

/fi(ə)r/

Noun An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

anx·i·e·ty  

/aNGˈzī-itē/

Noun A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. Desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease.

These are two feelings that I am very familiar with. I can’t say they’re my favorite feelings but they happen to me more often than not. Lately, it’s been easier for me to admit that I’m not a risk taker.  That may not be entirely true though because I do take risks, but they’re calculated risks. I like to think things through and do research and even make sure I know the consequences. This is why I tend to not be very spontaneous.

This kind of makes me feel like I’m not living my life to its full potential. I asked one of my friends for advice on whether or not to accept concert tickets from someone and the response I got was “Live a little” … I didn’t live a little because I declined the concert tickets, I weighed the consequences against the reward… and the consequences won. I don’t want to say that I’m a feline (be creative on what I mean by that lol) but I definitely don’t like to make the wrong decisions. Precisely why I’m 26 years old and I’m not a mother and have never really had to deal with those kinds of scares. I take calculated risks.

But I do this sh*t all the time… and sometimes I get annoyed by it because I spend a lot of time in my head thinking about the smallest things, and playing out made up scenarios where things can go in the worst direction ever, which almost always ends in me not going through with the original thought which brought on the whole scenario playing in my head to begin with.

Even the simplest thing like telling someone how I really feel about them becomes a huge task. It’s not like I can’t just say it…. Oh! That would be so simple… I need to go through the list of things that may go wrong:

1. They may not feel the same way.
2. They may just want this to be a sex thang and not an actual thang.
3. They might have someone else lined up and I’m going to look like a fool!
4. What if I say this and then I can’t be friends with them anymore…

That’s the scariest thought that last one. I would hate for one of my thoughts that decided to escape from my minds prison to cause those types of consequences. I enjoy the people that I keep in my life… So much that I would rather not have them know certain thoughts just to make sure they are comfortable and then I could deal with the feelings of not letting things out later. It kicks my butt to not say everything but it works out for the best… I think…

What if I just spoke with no regards as to the repercussions or other people’s feelings, how would I feel then? One of my loved ones tells me that I care too much about other people and that’s why I go through all these motions and end up eating myself up inside. I know it isn’t healthy but I’d rather feel fear or anxiety of losing someone as opposed to guilt for hurting someone’s feelings or saying something to make someone leave my life. I would be devastated.

I don’t know what the solution is to this problem but I know that I may not even find it. I would have to do a total re-evaluation of my character in order to not care about everyone else’s feelings in any situation. And by this statement I’m not saying that I’ve never hurt anyone’s feelings, because I have, and sometimes it’s intentional because my feelings were hurt first while other times it’s unintentional and I end up feeling terrible.

I guess this is just me feeling funny about things I don’t understand, the feelings just aren’t fun.. bleh

Sherry <3

Thought Bubble #2

Every time I think about this blog, I am full of anxiety because I want to write about things that are interesting to lots of people and add my own little flair to it. I initially wanted it to be some sort of advice column, and that idea was short lived... What I've wanted to stay away from, is it becoming some sort of online diary. BUT! We don't always follow rules now do we? I need to vent, I don't want to talk about it because spoken words aren't my forte... so I guess I'll write. I don't know the exact amount of people who read this, nor do I care, I'm just about to let my brain barf...

So I am now 26 years young and in my head I've had some life experience. I just feel like at some point I decided to step back and have a look at what's going on... and then started doing some weird zig zag pattern with life where I'm not completely moving forward but not going back, yet not standing still.... That crap doesn't make any sense and I guess it gives even more life and meaning to the anxiety that I feel in my chest on a daily basis. It's gotten to the point where even having circle-time doesn't help me to not think...

I do a lot of thinking... I think about what exactly it is that I want to be/do when I really do have to grow up. I think about things that have happened, and the reasons why they did happen. I think about my current work situation and how wacky it is, but I think about the reasons why I can't leave yet. I think about boys (that word is as general as I wanna be without being specific) and how all they do is make you think.. SMH. I think about my past relationships, and how they've done something... I don't know if they made me grown, shrank me down, or just fudged me up completely but I sure do a lot of thinking about them. I think about how easy it is to be with someone for a long time just to not be alone, be taken for granted and stick through it... just to not be alone, and then in the end when you are alone, you're fine... but it's too late because you already had to live through that other stuff. I think about the people who I love and care about, their problems, and how I can try to help them. I friggin think.

But as much thinking as I do, I still kind of feel like I don't think enough... I had a conversation yesterday where I was being asked questions about myself, and I couldn't answer them. Questions like:

• Long term do you want to be married?
• Do you see yourself in a completely monogamous relationship?
• Have you ever had a "normal/healthy" long-term relationship?

------ Apparently those questions are very f*#king hard for me to answer... I DON'T KNOW... I really hate those words... I know things about myself like the fact that I want to know about everything to the point where I either seem nosey or like an annoying know it all.. I know that I do enjoy having one person to be with, but I can't say that I have faith in marriage and that I even agree with it... but that's me.. and when I gave that answer it then had a follow-up question... Where do you think that comes from? MY PARENTS! I'm not going to go into the whole parental units being a little off because it's not like they had the most shocking story in the history of marriages and divorces... we'll just say that they impacted my view of relationships and commitment in general. To the point where I don't really know what I want/need/expect from a relationship, I don't even know who I'm into. I start getting close to people and I never want them to know everything about me, it even works that way with my friends. Something I hear all too often is "I can't really read you Sherry". I smile when this is said to me because I find it funny that I think I am so out there, that it's impossible for people to not know exactly how I feel... but at the same time I know exactly what I'm doing... because my brain is always telling me what to do... I think a lot remember?

I constantly contradict myself because I'm not exactly sure what the hell I'm doing with every step I take. I say I'm not a risk taker but I never have a plan. I say I'm not experimental or outgoing but then (and my friends know at least this much) I'll try ANYTHING once. I laugh a lot, it may sound cute but it's just my own little defense mechanism, like my own little protection because sometimes I laugh at things that make me really sad but the thing is if I laugh at it then I automatically tell myself it's funny... and I'm instatly "un-hurt"... I say a lot and it's not always what I do. That scares me. I don't know who I am sometimes... I don't know who I wanna be... Should I? Jeez Louise! I'm having a Mid-20's life crisis and this Sh*t isn't fun at all... It's scary to think that you don't know yourself after your whole dang life!

Here are the tricks that I practice in order to not make people who care about me worry (and I'm sure if any of you are reading this now you'll begin to worry, but please don't...):

1. Smile! Even when all I want to do inside is cry. Sometimes... as happy and chipper as I may appear to be, I got a million and two point five things doing a mad dash through my head like they're doing sprints... It's to the point where I can almost keep up with whatever people are telling me, while I think at the same time... Exhausting.
2. Daydream like it's nobody's business. I keep myself busy not only with thoughts but sometimes I like to live out what my thoughts would be like in real life... in my head<<< I truly think that I've lost my mind... so don't worry you're not alone in thinking this about me.
3. Circle-Time a.k.a. Long Distance Phone Calls- Yes, they certainly make me feel a little better.

• Soothe my anxiety.
• I'm around people I know and most of the time care about, so there is a comfort zone in this activity that momentarily makes me feel safe and happy... like a smokey security blanket. Yikes!

4. Talk... excessively. Not about anything that's bumming me out or making me feel a certain way.. most of the time that's still a secret to me until I explode. But about anything under the sun. Including repeating stories that I've probably told a million times, just to fill the silence that I'm afraid would happen if I for one f*#king second shut the hell up... This one is frustrating, because I don't think the people that I'm talking to realize how badly I just want to shut up sometimes.

Now this post by no means is a cry for help guys.. lol. I love my life and all the confusing sh*t that happens in it, all the paradoxical behavior is just one more little quirk it offers. I just feel like I don't express my feelings and sometimes it's important. I tend to keep it all up in hee-ah (circular motion in the upper chest) and then when something small like a Coke instead of a Pepsi happens, I break down into tears (that's an exaggeration but you get what I mean lol). And I might as well make you all suffer through reading this long as hell and self-absorbed rant! 8^*

So much for not making this an online diary... Well I still keep some secrets...
That's important.


Sherry <3