I don’t always wanna think about you….
You just kinda creep up into my thoughts like water coming
through a tiny crack in a dam,
Just a little, and then it could be disastrous…
Or amazing… just depends on how you look at it…
I find myself lost in these thoughts and fantasies…
It’s got me acting unlike myself…
I kinda like this dream character I’ve created and I don’t
necessarily know if it’s the same person in real life… but I don’t have an
issue with the real life person either…
I often wonder if it’s just so fun to imagine things….
That if they ever really happened…
Would it no longer feel like this?
Would my thoughts be less obsessive?
Would I think of other things?
Would I no longer like you?
That’s a scary thought…
I have a love-hate relationship with the anxiety you make me
feel…
And if at some point it weren’t there, I’d miss it… dearly.
**This can’t be life lmfaoo…
I’m not even this person,
this
person I’ve become…
this person that has intense crushes on people and stuff. I
feel like a high school kid… or maybe I have always been like this but I always
ended up in relationships with the people I crushed on…
Or not..
This is funny as hell, as I’m sitting here typing this I’m
remembering all my crushes before I ever got kissed…
Kindergarten,
It was definitely a crush…
but I was still very much concerned with my toys and the
world that I created underneath my desk (which simultaneously got my teacher
and mother REALLY pissed lol) a world where I would escape boring school, where
the kids were being taught to read C-A-T and I already knew how to read
C-A-T-E-R-P-I-L-L-A-R…
His name was Leo and I can still remember how it felt to crush on him... I was only 4 years old lol
His name was Leo and I can still remember how it felt to crush on him... I was only 4 years old lol
1st grade was when I learned that the bad boy was
always funny and super cute…
But mean…
And I was awkward… with my big buck teeth and long neck…
skinny little fragile body and so curious that I always got myself in trouble…
Crushes weren’t that important then though…but they existed lol
2nd and 3rd grade were too busy to
remember if I had any crushes there…
I was too busy trying to make my teachers regret their
decision to teach children as ungrateful as I was… sigh… such a silly child…
3rd grade ended catholic school for me… and
started public school…
I think that's when my real crushes started...
I remember in the 4th grade...
Eric G...
He had big green eyes and he was chubby... aside from him I thought my teacher was pretty hot...
Ms. Bataglia with her big curly hair (I was a tiny little queer child lmfaooo)...
She was a big fan of having us use our creativity.... and I remember she had us do a project that involved a decoder wheel.
I rocked my project and then kept the wheel.
I used that wheel to profess all of my feels to Eric G.
I remember wording it just right and taking my time to code it so that there were no mistakes...
I remember waiting to be the last one out of the room when we were going out to lunch so I could sneak my coded love note into Eric G.'s desk...
I also remember sweating profusely and being ever so anxious waiting for him to discover my note...
But most of all I remember not saying a word and smiling to myself knowing that I never signed my name on the note... sigh... courageous little coward that I was lol
I'll skip 5th grade cuz I had the same crush... 6th grade was really whatever... I was just tryna figure out how to Junior High lol... The whole concept of switching classrooms was mind boggling... no time for boys or child/baby love for that matter lol
That summer though... I met my first love at first sight... (I was 11... and for all intents and purposes... love IS what it was)
It was really beautiful out... and mom had me working in the salon with her, I was washing Geovanna's hair and we were all talking like little chickens in a coop...
then I saw Wil F....
Everything seemed to stop moving... stop sounding... I didn't have hands or feet or a brain or anything at all... and then he left.... I didn't see him any more that summer...
I went back to school that year, and in the assembly room they were splitting us up into our major-minor classes (kind of shop classes but not, they had choir, band, art, and something tech-y) I had chosen the tech class.... but there were too many other children that had chosen that class too, and so they had to split that class and send some of the children into an art class that no one had chosen. Then I saw Wil F again...
Now we were in the same art class... that was my chance! I befriended him and even though I had the most massively obsessive crush on him, I played it cool and I even hooked him up with a few of his girlfriends (because I'm crazy like that).
In retrospect I've always been a creep... I don't mind being a creep... I like it.
I like to learn the people who make me feel the funnies inside and try to make them feel the funnies with me... I think it's endearing..... but I AM a creep... ::shrug::
The only other time after Wil F I've ever felt that way... (you know breathless and like I have no legs... blah blah) was with someone who I don't even want to abbreviate their name.... He shall be "N/A"... The reason he will be "N/A" is because it's been several years since ties have been cut with him yet the memories of his hurt still sting... (that's love for you)
I won't talk about the bad things though... that's not what this blog is about...
Summer... more specifically Memorial Day 2007 (May 28th 2007).... If I were any crazier I would remember the time lol
I was in an actual relationship around that time... I'd been cheated on but still not at the mental consciousness that I'm at now and stayed... It was Memorial Day and we were going to what is referred to as "Chocha Beach" but is actually Orchard Beach lol
I asked my boyfriend at the time to come to the beach with me and was told "I don't do New York beaches".... I went with friends and proceeded to get pretty wasted...
That may have been my best choice and worst mistake.... but it happened and I love it still...
I look up in my drunken state and notice the hottest guy I'd ever seen (at that point in my life at least) and he's laying on a blanket with a girl, but that meant nothing with all the liquid courage I'd had.... smh
He had asked her for a light and since I was already smoking a cig and being a creep and staring and basically listening to everything going on over there since I noticed him... I threw it... at his head.
sigh.
He looked up very confused and said "How'd you know I needed a lighter?"
I said "I guess I was just being nosey..." so he threw it back and said he didn't need it right now...
I laid back and decided to just sit and boil my little drunk self in the sun after embarrassing myself to that extent...
He came back and said "Hey Sherry, you got that lighter?"
I said "How did you know my name?"
He said "I guess I was just being nosey..."
And thus became the longest creep stage of my life...
It really hurts to like people that much that don't have the same feelings for you...
and it never stops...
but that feeling is so damn delicious!!
It's sugar to diabetes!
Steak to high blood pressure!
Butter to cholesterol!
I must need to feel that way... I must enjoy being a creep...
I DO enjoy being a creep... lol
Ain't no shame in my game... if I'm going to like or even love it's going to be my way... it may not be for everyone but one day it'll be for the right one...
I rocked my project and then kept the wheel.
I used that wheel to profess all of my feels to Eric G.
I remember wording it just right and taking my time to code it so that there were no mistakes...
I remember waiting to be the last one out of the room when we were going out to lunch so I could sneak my coded love note into Eric G.'s desk...
I also remember sweating profusely and being ever so anxious waiting for him to discover my note...
But most of all I remember not saying a word and smiling to myself knowing that I never signed my name on the note... sigh... courageous little coward that I was lol
I'll skip 5th grade cuz I had the same crush... 6th grade was really whatever... I was just tryna figure out how to Junior High lol... The whole concept of switching classrooms was mind boggling... no time for boys or child/baby love for that matter lol
That summer though... I met my first love at first sight... (I was 11... and for all intents and purposes... love IS what it was)
It was really beautiful out... and mom had me working in the salon with her, I was washing Geovanna's hair and we were all talking like little chickens in a coop...
then I saw Wil F....
Everything seemed to stop moving... stop sounding... I didn't have hands or feet or a brain or anything at all... and then he left.... I didn't see him any more that summer...
I went back to school that year, and in the assembly room they were splitting us up into our major-minor classes (kind of shop classes but not, they had choir, band, art, and something tech-y) I had chosen the tech class.... but there were too many other children that had chosen that class too, and so they had to split that class and send some of the children into an art class that no one had chosen. Then I saw Wil F again...
Now we were in the same art class... that was my chance! I befriended him and even though I had the most massively obsessive crush on him, I played it cool and I even hooked him up with a few of his girlfriends (because I'm crazy like that).
In retrospect I've always been a creep... I don't mind being a creep... I like it.
I like to learn the people who make me feel the funnies inside and try to make them feel the funnies with me... I think it's endearing..... but I AM a creep... ::shrug::
The only other time after Wil F I've ever felt that way... (you know breathless and like I have no legs... blah blah) was with someone who I don't even want to abbreviate their name.... He shall be "N/A"... The reason he will be "N/A" is because it's been several years since ties have been cut with him yet the memories of his hurt still sting... (that's love for you)
I won't talk about the bad things though... that's not what this blog is about...
Summer... more specifically Memorial Day 2007 (May 28th 2007).... If I were any crazier I would remember the time lol
I was in an actual relationship around that time... I'd been cheated on but still not at the mental consciousness that I'm at now and stayed... It was Memorial Day and we were going to what is referred to as "Chocha Beach" but is actually Orchard Beach lol
I asked my boyfriend at the time to come to the beach with me and was told "I don't do New York beaches".... I went with friends and proceeded to get pretty wasted...
That may have been my best choice and worst mistake.... but it happened and I love it still...
I look up in my drunken state and notice the hottest guy I'd ever seen (at that point in my life at least) and he's laying on a blanket with a girl, but that meant nothing with all the liquid courage I'd had.... smh
He had asked her for a light and since I was already smoking a cig and being a creep and staring and basically listening to everything going on over there since I noticed him... I threw it... at his head.
sigh.
He looked up very confused and said "How'd you know I needed a lighter?"
I said "I guess I was just being nosey..." so he threw it back and said he didn't need it right now...
I laid back and decided to just sit and boil my little drunk self in the sun after embarrassing myself to that extent...
He came back and said "Hey Sherry, you got that lighter?"
I said "How did you know my name?"
He said "I guess I was just being nosey..."
And thus became the longest creep stage of my life...
It really hurts to like people that much that don't have the same feelings for you...
and it never stops...
but that feeling is so damn delicious!!
It's sugar to diabetes!
Steak to high blood pressure!
Butter to cholesterol!
I must need to feel that way... I must enjoy being a creep...
I DO enjoy being a creep... lol
Ain't no shame in my game... if I'm going to like or even love it's going to be my way... it may not be for everyone but one day it'll be for the right one...
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