Sims 4 Alien Widow Challenge intro

SEX!!!!!

Now that I have your attention....



I really just want to dump all of these thoughts that live in my head about the current state of our society....

So much anxiety...

Piety;

no longer something virtuous....

Just something used to spew hate.

The amount of hate that I hear and read on a daily basis is overwhelming at the very least because the word used to describe my feelings just doesn't exist.

It hurts.

I hurt...

For the LGBTQIA community...

African Americans...

Latinos...

Muslims or anyone who "looks" like it... 

It has pushed me into a bout of anxiety and depression that I am trying my absolute hardest to overcome but it is Got damn hard....

And....

The world is so consumed with who's right and who's not

Who's got more power and who they can devour...

They are forgetting that the most powerful thing we have is love....

Love...

The thing that will make a mother lift a car to save her baby...

Makes everything you do for anyone or anything else worth it...

What makes us "tick".

I tick

tick

tick 

and maybe that's why this all hurts so much because it feels like my love is on overdrive

like my second hand is going too fast and soon all my gears and shit are just going to explode into a mess of things I don't even know how to put back together...

How do you even fix that?

I don't want to feel the pain of the world... but I do.

I feel like I need to fight for it.....

But...

I lack the words to fight its fight...

But does that mean I'm not fighting my own fight?

Fuck...

Why does it have to be so confusing?

....so.... 

strange.

Honestly, it's not like this hate is news...

It's always been there and there are always those people who feed it...

Like Dominicans who don't think they're black...

and African Americans who don't believe they are racist...

and people of all shapes, sizes and saturated hues who are ignorant enough to agree with everything that is going on...

or similar to me who lack the words to make the difference they want but are so strong in their bliss of ignorance that they further dig this deep hole of hatred and it only gets harder and harder to climb out.

I miss the light...

For a moment (at least in my lifetime so far) I felt like that was all that was surrounding me...

I felt warm...

and happy...

and YES.

Now I feel like I can't even write most days...

Or talk...

 well, at least not about feelings that is...

I feel empty...

Like I'm all cried out or some other 90's R&B terminology referencing the fact that I feel I have nothing left to give....

Days I just want to go home and curl up into the fetal position until it all goes away...

but that never works.

I would have loved to have said something substantial here...

Something to change the worlds mind and make everyone hold hands and "kumbaya" and shit...

but like I said... 

I lack the words.

Working title

I never thought I'd meet you....
But I've known you all along.
So many different types of you and

                 somehow it's all the same, but so

different

Paradoxical you...

You've made me feel so much and

                       so little and

                                                   so numb

Funny thing about you is

sometimes you hurt so damn bad

while other times I feel so protected and so strong

nothing can stop me

nothing can go wrong

Sometimes you make me weak and leave me wondering when is the next time that I can have  just a whiff of you...

Like an addict just hoping to be able to feel...

I mean FEEL...

like...

L is for the way you look at me.
O is for the only one I see...

Except...

sometimes the only one I see isn't very good for me and

The way I feel just can't be life and

V is very, very extra ordinary.
E is even more than anyone that can adore you....


So why does it hurt?
because everything in moderation is a crock of shit...

                      because when something is as delicious as love...
you don't want just a little
fuck moderation

the whole cake is what you need!

You need to hurt

You need to cry

You need to laugh 

You need to feel...

like this is the only thing that matters...

like this is the only thing you need to do for the rest of your life 

to feel alive

to feel complete

cuz 

Love
so many people use your name in vain
Love
those who have faith in you sometimes go astray

because it's  impossible to understand how someone who can make you fly so high

can tear you down brick by brick 

and leave you having to ask yourself...

"Who am I?"

And

Love
through all the ups and downs, the joys and hurts
Love
for better or worse I still will choose you first

See...
It's crazy because you think all the shit you go through with one person is love taking you for a fool

but no

Baby, you ARE love

And once I figured that out
my entire soul set on fire
and I could think of nothing but spreading that love like a wildfire

And once I figured that out

Every soul I meet further propels me

higher and higher
and so I flew...
higher than anyone has ever launched me

Because I needed to love me
I needed to love me as much as I have loved anyone before me
and then

       only then 

and then I truly met love....
and his name was...

You

And oh how I love You...



                             And You love me so exquisitely...

And now I see my future....

                                             I feel no pain.
and no it's not made of rainbows all the time....

but what is?

You have given further meaning to my life
Got me practicing what my signature will look like once I'm your wife...

Think that's creepy?
He matches my crazy...
We've named our unborn baby
or babies if I get my way

We laugh
we cry
I hang up 
you call 
we rise and we fall
and we feel like just walking away
We talk
as our love advances we take second chances
though it's not a fantasy
We plan
We grow
We love
And every day that I'm blessed with your existence is more than worth every breath that I take...
until we expand our love and we create

We are a work in progress... 

so ordinary 

and 

so beautiful...

Fly...

I meet a lot of people. I mean A LOT of people... mostly because I talk to strangers very often.
BUT...
Some people have impacted my life more than others and I'm so grateful to know them.

Unfortunately sometimes the people we love the most need to spread their wings and fly.

I met you so many years ago...
You shine so damn bright!
Everyone wants to know you... 
Everyone wants to make you smile...
Everyone wants to make you happy...
Take a picture...
Have some coffee...
Have a drink...
A dance...
A laugh...
A hug...
Love...

I'm not the only one who thinks you're special... 

and you know this in the deepest part of your soul...

You are the one and only Nitesgift the Don....

Self proclaimed and rightfully so...

You taught me how to hug and love so freely...
You've taught me what friendship is through nights that we.......
Survived is all I can think of to describe them lol
To days of going to church with your mother...
Walking through storms....

"You ain't never been to camp?!" 

"No! I was sheltered!!" 

...just to go sit Indian style in the 13 living room and talk about nothing with others just as special as we...
Making dope ass coloring books because... my friend has 9.5 toes now...
and...
why not?
Soups from scratch....
Hot dog salads...
Popcorn fed directly into your mouth making sure not to touch any of your teeth...
Random meals...
and... chewing.... with your FACKING MOUTH OPEN! -_-
Getting turnt up to late 90's and early 00's music... because "f*ck it we're gonna listen to trap all night anyway"

Stories I had to learn to understand because you mumble more than you talk <3
Escorting me to and from the ultimate heart-breaker's cave just to make sure further damage didn't take place...
Being Zaddy for a week and making sure I had breakfast, lunch and dinner after going shopping in Honey's cabinets and fridge...

My memories of you are endless... 

I could never in my life feel less love for you....

It's impossible and unbearable to think I could...

This isn't goodbye...
It's definitely see you soon...
But the fact that I will miss my friend is so true...

I love you Tash...


Signed your emotionally paradoxical friend... who is so sad to see you go but so happy to see you soaring with happiness and sand in your toes and love and YES all around you!

-Sherry

Creep

I don’t always wanna think about you….

You just kinda creep up into my thoughts like water coming through a tiny crack in a dam,

Just a little, and then it could be disastrous…

Or amazing… just depends on how you look at it…

I find myself lost in these thoughts and fantasies…

It’s got me acting unlike myself…

I kinda like this dream character I’ve created and I don’t necessarily know if it’s the same person in real life… but I don’t have an issue with the real life person either…

I often wonder if it’s just so fun to imagine things….

That if they ever really happened…

Would it no longer feel like this?

Would my thoughts be less obsessive?

Would I think of other things?

Would I no longer like you?

That’s a scary thought…

I have a love-hate relationship with the anxiety you make me feel…

And if at some point it weren’t there, I’d miss it… dearly.

**This can’t be life lmfaoo… 

I’m not even this person,

this person I’ve become… 

this person that has intense crushes on people and stuff. I feel like a high school kid… or maybe I have always been like this but I always ended up in relationships with the people I crushed on…

Or not..

This is funny as hell, as I’m sitting here typing this I’m remembering all my crushes before I ever got kissed…

Kindergarten,

It was definitely a crush…

but I was still very much concerned with my toys and the world that I created underneath my desk (which simultaneously got my teacher and mother REALLY pissed lol) a world where I would escape boring school, where the kids were being taught to read C-A-T and I already knew how to read 

C-A-T-E-R-P-I-L-L-A-R…
His name was Leo and I can still remember how it felt to crush on him... I was only 4 years old lol

1^st grade was when I learned that the bad boy was always funny and super cute…

But mean…

And I was awkward… with my big buck teeth and long neck… skinny little fragile body and so curious that I always got myself in trouble…

Crushes weren’t that important then though…but they existed lol

2^nd and 3^rd grade were too busy to remember if I had any crushes there…

I was too busy trying to make my teachers regret their decision to teach children as ungrateful as I was… sigh… such a silly child…

3^rd grade ended catholic school for me… and started public school…   

I think that's when my real crushes started...

I remember in the 4th grade... 

Eric G... 

He had big green eyes and he was chubby... aside from him I thought my teacher was pretty hot... 

Ms. Bataglia with her big curly hair (I was a tiny little queer child lmfaooo)...  

She was a big fan of having us use our creativity.... and I remember she had us do a project that involved a decoder wheel.
I rocked my project and then kept the wheel.
I used that wheel to profess all of my feels to Eric G.
I remember wording it just right and taking my time to code it so that there were no mistakes...
I remember waiting to be the last one out of the room when we were going out to lunch so I could sneak my coded love note into Eric G.'s desk...
I also remember sweating profusely and being ever so anxious waiting for him to discover my note...

But most of all I remember not saying a word and smiling to myself knowing that I never signed my name on the note... sigh... courageous little coward that I was lol

I'll skip 5th grade cuz I had the same crush... 6th grade was really whatever... I was just tryna figure out how to Junior High lol... The whole concept of switching classrooms was mind boggling... no time for boys or child/baby love for that matter lol

That summer though... I met my first love at first sight... (I was 11... and for all intents and purposes... love IS what it was)

It was really beautiful out... and mom had me working in the salon with her, I was washing  Geovanna's hair and we were all talking like little chickens in a coop...
then I saw Wil F....
Everything seemed to stop moving... stop sounding... I didn't have hands or feet or a brain or anything at all... and then he left.... I didn't see him any more that summer...
I went back to school that year, and in the assembly room they were splitting us up into our major-minor classes (kind of shop classes but not, they had choir, band, art, and something tech-y) I had chosen the tech class.... but there were too many other children that had chosen that class too, and so they had to split that class and send some of the children into an art class that no one had chosen. Then I saw Wil F again...
Now we were in the same art class... that was my chance! I befriended him and even though I had the most massively obsessive crush on him, I played it cool and I even hooked him up with a few of his girlfriends (because I'm crazy like that).

In retrospect I've always been a creep... I don't mind being a creep... I like it.
I like to learn the people who make me feel the funnies inside and try to make them feel the funnies with me... I think it's endearing..... but I AM a creep... ::shrug::

The only other time after Wil F I've ever felt that way... (you know breathless and like I have no legs... blah blah) was with someone who I don't even want to abbreviate their name.... He shall be "N/A"... The reason he will be "N/A" is because it's been several years since ties have been cut with him yet the memories of his hurt still sting... (that's love for you)
I won't talk about the bad things though... that's not what this blog is about...

Summer... more specifically Memorial Day 2007 (May 28th 2007).... If I were any crazier I would remember the time lol
I was in an actual relationship around that time... I'd been cheated on but still not at the mental consciousness that I'm at now and stayed... It was Memorial Day and we were going to what is referred to as "Chocha Beach" but is actually Orchard Beach lol
I asked my boyfriend at the time to come to the beach with me and was told "I don't do New York beaches".... I went with friends and proceeded to get pretty wasted...
That may have been my best choice and worst mistake.... but it happened and I love it still...
I look up in my drunken state and notice the hottest guy I'd ever seen (at that point in my life at least) and he's laying on a blanket with a girl, but that meant nothing with all the liquid courage I'd had.... smh
He had asked her for a light and since I was already smoking a cig and being a creep and staring and basically listening to everything going on over there since I noticed him... I threw it... at his head.
sigh.
He looked up very confused and said "How'd you know I needed  a lighter?"
I said "I guess I was just being nosey..." so he threw it back and said he didn't need it right now...
I laid back and decided to just sit and boil my little drunk self in the sun after embarrassing myself to that extent...
He came back and said "Hey Sherry, you got that lighter?"
I said "How did you know my name?"
He said "I guess I was just being nosey..."
And thus became the longest creep stage of my life...

It really hurts to like people that much that don't have the same feelings for you...
and it never stops...

but that feeling is so damn delicious!! 
It's sugar to diabetes!
Steak to high blood pressure!
Butter to cholesterol!

I must need to feel that way... I must enjoy being a creep...

I DO enjoy being a creep... lol

Ain't no shame in my game... if I'm going to like or even love it's going to be my way... it may not be for everyone but one day it'll be for the right one...

Thought bubble: Life update 2.0

I recently underwent a things-that-make-me-unhappy purge, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me!

I lost my job that made me so utterly miserable that I couldn't eat or sleep, and could only obsessively think. Why did I lose it?
I like to say the universe did me a favor, but in reality I lost it because I was being VERY intentionally irresponsible. I had called out on a Friday, came in late (2 hours to be exact) the next Monday and then called out on Tuesday. I told them I had an emergency but didn't go into detail because my emergency was that if I went in to work that day..... I'd probably just burn it down. Soooo when I came in Wednesday morning, on time, just cuz lol I was pulled out of the office after being there for 2 hours (how ironic) and told that they "couldn't give me any more chances, and this was the end of the road". Normally after being fired one should feel sad.... but I was so F**king happy I could dance. It was as if they had lifted 3 tons of weight from my shoulders. The only issue was what I was going to do for money. So I walked back into the office, and said nothing to anyone around me. Packed up 3 years worth of sh*t in about 5 minutes and stuffed it into ONE bag, and left.

No goodbye-s
No see ya later-s
No I'll tell you what happened later-s

Just left.

It was surreal. I had been so miserable there and that moment was just like a bittersweet dream. I knew I didn't want to be there but I never wanted to quit because I hadn't found anything better to seamlessly transition to yet. Now there was no excuse for not looking for my happiness.

I lost someone who I had in my life for so many years that I felt like getting rid of them would be impossible. I considered this person the one who "raised" me, and when I say that term... I mean it loosely because I wasn't actually raised by him... he just kind of changed me. I dated him for 4 and half years and I was so young that I couldn't see where it would end I just knew I was with someone and the thought of being alone was so scary that I just dealt with any and everything that he did. This included mooching, and cheating. We broke up long ago, but for some reason he always remained in my life. I don't even know why. We (in my head) were never going to be together again, but I craved company and therefore, I did exactly what I hated him for..... I mooched and I played with his emotions, and for that I apologized. I met someone who made me happy and I needed to make sure this person knew that I really wanted to give us a chance and so... I told my ex that I couldn't speak to him anymore. He of course didn't take that lightly. He called me all kinds of selfish, and I took all his verbal blows because I really did deserve them. But I know that there is no easy way to "break-up" with anyone... even if you aren't dating them. I was the bad guy... but only after being the good guy for too long and dealing with treatment that I didn't deserve. I'm glad that chapter finally ended... not because I met someone, but because if I didn't do it now... it was only going to continue to be a burden in my heart and soul and I owed it to myself. So whether things work out with this person I'm seeing or not... I'm going to make sure that I never revert to selfish ways and stay true to this happiness in my soul, knowing that I've gotten rid of someone toxic, whether his intentions had changed or not.

Now I'm working at a new place, it's a daycare center. I love KIDS! And working at a daycare offers me the perfect birth control.... KIDS. lol. I don't get paid any better than I did but it is ever so fun. I have to be there super early, but 2-4 year olds are better than coffee at 7am, and every time I hear "Ms. Sherry" my heart melts.

I'm happy. For a long time I couldn't say that and truly mean it.... but I am so happy.
So grateful.

and

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO selfish.

but only because I deserve to make myself happy before I make anyone else happy... how can you do something for someone else that you don't even know how to do for yourself? You can't.

So I'm promising myself happiness and I know the universe will reward me with everything I deserve.....


Sherry <3

P.S. I may start posting stories from the daycare as they pop up, because kids are hilarious!

Simple and Special....

"The spaces between your fingers were created so that another's could fill them in."

Tyler Beene

 

*******Hand holding*******

Those special moments, with such simple touch… I can't really explain the feeling that happens when I hold a person’s hand for the first time and it just sparks… It's a sense of trust, it’s like a feeling of love, for that one moment we are standing together, you’re not alone and neither am I… And even if this promise isn't forever, you know, this hand holding promise...

It's so beautiful to have that little sense of electricity sizzle through your body... I can vividly remember 5 hands holding mine for whatever reason these 5 hands made an impact and I felt electric...

*When I was 14 and we held hands because we didn't know that there were other things to do yet... We were so innocent and that moment was everything...

"So like, do you wanna be my girlfriend?..."

After I said yes.... We held hands first before we even had a kiss... I still remember how clammy his hands were... For no reason because we started dating in March so it was kinda chilly... And although I dislike things that feel clammy, his hand in mine was everything to me...

**One of my friends came out to me a few years ago...

It was hard for her to do that and I remember that night so well that I can still feel the chill from outside... I can still remember how beautiful the bridge looked... I can still remember her eyes glossing up because she was so scared of voicing what she knew she was about to say and she kept rubbing her thighs... She was so nervous... She had no clue how this was actually going to come out of her mouth... She was breathing heavily and she grabbed my hand so that I can feel her heart... It was racing! It was beating so quickly that I got scared... You see, we had been sharing secrets that night... And her secret was quite a doozy... I told her she didn't have to say anything she didn’t want to as I began to take my hand off her heart.... Then we held hands for a second... Her hands were clammy... But I held her hand strong with both hands... I was hoping she could feel that no matter what she was about to tell me I was gonna be there as a friend... And then...

"She is my partner"

"I know"

"No... Like my PARTNER"

"I'm not as dumb as you think I am"

A laugh... A wiped tear... And a hug... Pure love

***A lot of crying went down… A lot. I was so hurt. “That’s it! You’ve gotta leave him! He will not disrespect you like this anymore!” It’s what I kept saying to myself. It had become my mantra. He had been asleep and I decided to look through his phone, and as the saying goes “when you look you find”… I found, and it broke my little heart. Not that I didn’t expect it, I did, completely. But I just didn’t want it to be true, or real. I was hoping that he would wake up and show me his real phone, and then we could laugh and laugh about this fake phone I had in my hand full of text messages from several girls telling MY boyfriend that they missed him and that he should come fuck them again… AGAIN! I woke him up, quite creepily actually; I sat by his head on the bed and in a very calm voice I asked “is it because my ass isn’t as big as theirs? Should I take hormones or get butt injections? Will that keep you faithful?” His eyes opened slowly and he asked in a groggy, I’m-still-drunk voice… “What are you talking about?” to which I responded “All the girls you play me with have big butts, so is that what I need to keep you here?” again, “what are you talking about?” and so I got up and showed him his phone and we had quite a brawl… I’m not normally one to use my hands to express my feelings but I loved him so ferociously that I wanted to physically make him feel my pain. We cried to each other… and slept in separate beds that night… in the morning, a kiss on my forehead and a stroke of my cheek was what woke me… I woke up and looked at the unfaithful man that I loved. He sat next to me and said “ask me whatever you want to know, bae, I’ll be as honest as I can…” and extended a hand… I held it, and felt everything, every little bit of anger was gone, I was left with sadness and curiosity… but in that moment, with my hand in his, I was safe… and he was my net.

****We knew each other for a long time… and although we had gotten quite active, just trying to be respectful and not really say that four letter word, because that’s what we did… we four-letter-worded… There wasn’t any love there, at least not mutually, and it was ok. It was what we did. No kissing. No feelings. No commitment. We just four-letter-worded. Then we stopped, we allowed ourselves to become friends, and it was beautiful. The night feelings were ever expressed it was through text… and I’m glad it was because I can always go back and read them… although at this point, it wouldn’t make me happy to read them. “Damn you woman!” was what I received… “lol, what’s wrong?” was my reaction “I just can’t stop having visions of you, it’s fucking weird” and my heart went into hyper speed, I couldn’t breathe, I almost thought I would cry, “I wish you knew what you just made me feel like by saying that” and in retrospect, that was the beginning of my heart being broken beyond repair, but in that moment… my life was complete. We didn’t see each other for a few days after that, but when we did… We were at my cousin’s house. It was a little mini-gathering; we did that from time to time. We were all sitting around eating and drinking wine. We went out on the terrace for a bowl and a cig, and then he and I came inside. We sat on the couch. I had a hard time looking him in eyes, he kind of drove me crazy, so I just sat there next to him and melting into the couch looking straight forward… my right hand palm up next to me. He took one of his fingers and kind of traced my hand very lightly, and my entire body shivered… it was amazing. Then he held my hand, fingers laced, and tight… this hand wasn’t clammy, maybe because it wasn’t real for him… but to me… that moment… was a lasting memory… and always will be.

*****We had gone out. I love going out with them. They are my friends. But she is special, special in a way I still haven’t found the words to describe. After a crazy night of drinking and dancing and love, I hailed a cab and we began our journey to my house. My only task was to figure out how I would make sure everyone slept comfortably. BUT FIRST, “let’s get some food!” McDonald’s seemed to be our only choice. Not too excited but as much as we drank, food was not a choice… it was a necessity! “Heyyy girl, I like yo glasses” yells the guy driving into the parking lot of Mickey D’s. I rolled my eyes and said thank you and pushed along my two friends to make sure we got inside and ordered our delicious, nutritious junk. They walked into Mickey D’s and continued to talk to us “so what’s up? Where ya comin from?” rolling eyes, no eye contact “we was out”.  They didn’t get the hint and Mickey D’s was not accommodating so I told them to forget it and we crossed the street to go to Dunkin Donuts… The guys decided it would be a good idea to come across the street and continue to bother us. I had now gone into protect mode. I was completely over these guys. One of the guys asked her “are you a boy?” I was LIVID “did you think she was a boy when you first started talking to her? Are you into guys? She is CLEARLY a girl! A very pretty girl and that’s the only reason you approached her!” I don’t think she had ever seen me get that upset, she was standing next to me but kind of behind me, and the guy kept asking her for her number, her defense was “she would get mad if I did” and then she held my hand. I know it wasn’t  romantic, but the electricity that flowed in that moment was intense to me! I had to look at her and make sure that’s what was happening… and with no words thank her, for yet another beautiful hand holding memory…

You know it’s always been funny to me how memories work. But it’s even funnier to me how we can remember something so simple so vividly… it’s amazing really. And just another special person’s hand touching yours feels so different that you must remember it forever and ever, I will forever appreciate simple special moments.