*******Hand holding*******
Those special moments, with such simple touch… I can't
really explain the feeling that happens when I hold a person’s hand for the
first time and it just sparks… It's a sense of trust, it’s like a feeling of
love, for that one moment we are standing together, you’re not alone and
neither am I… And even if this promise isn't forever, you know, this hand
holding promise...
It's so beautiful to have that little sense of
electricity sizzle through your body... I can vividly remember 5 hands holding
mine for whatever reason these 5 hands made an impact and I felt electric...
*When I was 14 and we held hands because we didn't know
that there were other things to do yet... We were so innocent and that moment
was everything...
"So like, do you wanna be my girlfriend?..."
After I said yes.... We held hands first before we even
had a kiss... I still remember how clammy his hands were... For no reason
because we started dating in March so it was kinda chilly... And although I
dislike things that feel clammy, his hand in mine was everything to me...
**One of my friends came out to me a few years ago...
It was hard for her to do that and I remember that night so
well that I can still feel the chill from outside... I can still remember how
beautiful the bridge looked... I can still remember her eyes glossing up because
she was so scared of voicing what she knew she was about to say and she kept
rubbing her thighs... She was so nervous... She had no clue how this was
actually going to come out of her mouth... She was breathing heavily and she
grabbed my hand so that I can feel her heart... It was racing! It was beating
so quickly that I got scared... You see, we had been sharing secrets that
night... And her secret was quite a doozy... I told her she didn't have to say
anything she didn’t want to as I began to take my hand off her heart.... Then
we held hands for a second... Her hands were clammy... But I held her hand
strong with both hands... I was hoping she could feel that no matter what she
was about to tell me I was gonna be there as a friend... And then...
"She is my partner"
"I know"
"No... Like my PARTNER"
"I'm not as dumb as you think I am"
A laugh... A wiped tear... And a hug... Pure love
***A lot of crying went down… A lot. I was so hurt. “That’s
it! You’ve gotta leave him! He will not disrespect you like this anymore!” It’s
what I kept saying to myself. It had become my mantra. He had been asleep and I
decided to look through his phone, and as the saying goes “when you look you
find”… I found, and it broke my little heart. Not that I didn’t expect it, I
did, completely. But I just didn’t want it to be true, or real. I was hoping
that he would wake up and show me his real phone, and then we could laugh and
laugh about this fake phone I had in my hand full of text messages from several
girls telling MY boyfriend that they missed him and that he should come fuck them again… AGAIN! I woke him up,
quite creepily actually; I sat by his head on the bed and in a very calm voice
I asked “is it because my ass isn’t as big as theirs? Should I take hormones or
get butt injections? Will that keep you faithful?” His eyes opened slowly and
he asked in a groggy, I’m-still-drunk voice… “What are you talking about?” to
which I responded “All the girls you play me with have big butts, so is that
what I need to keep you here?” again, “what are you talking about?” and so I
got up and showed him his phone and we had quite a brawl… I’m not normally one
to use my hands to express my feelings but I loved him so ferociously that I
wanted to physically make him feel my pain. We cried to each other… and slept
in separate beds that night… in the morning, a kiss on my forehead and a stroke
of my cheek was what woke me… I woke up and looked at the unfaithful man that I
loved. He sat next to me and said “ask me whatever you want to know, bae, I’ll
be as honest as I can…” and extended a hand… I held it, and felt everything,
every little bit of anger was gone, I was left with sadness and curiosity… but
in that moment, with my hand in his, I was safe… and he was my net.
****We knew each other for a long time… and although we
had gotten quite active, just trying
to be respectful and not really say that four letter word, because that’s what
we did… we four-letter-worded… There wasn’t any love there, at least not
mutually, and it was ok. It was what we did. No kissing. No feelings. No
commitment. We just four-letter-worded. Then we stopped, we allowed ourselves
to become friends, and it was beautiful. The night feelings were ever expressed
it was through text… and I’m glad it was because I can always go back and read
them… although at this point, it wouldn’t make me happy to read them. “Damn you
woman!” was what I received… “lol, what’s wrong?” was my reaction “I just can’t
stop having visions of you, it’s fucking weird” and my heart went into hyper
speed, I couldn’t breathe, I almost thought I would cry, “I wish you knew what
you just made me feel like by saying that” and in retrospect, that was the
beginning of my heart being broken beyond repair, but in that moment… my life
was complete. We didn’t see each other for a few days after that, but when we
did… We were at my cousin’s house. It was a little mini-gathering; we did that
from time to time. We were all sitting around eating and drinking wine. We went
out on the terrace for a bowl and a cig, and then he and I came inside. We sat
on the couch. I had a hard time looking him in eyes, he kind of drove me crazy,
so I just sat there next to him and melting into the couch looking straight
forward… my right hand palm up next to me. He took one of his fingers and kind
of traced my hand very lightly, and my entire body shivered… it was amazing.
Then he held my hand, fingers laced, and tight… this hand wasn’t clammy, maybe
because it wasn’t real for him… but to me… that moment… was a lasting memory…
and always will be.
*****We had gone out. I love going out with them. They
are my friends. But she is special, special in a way I still haven’t found the
words to describe. After a crazy night of drinking and dancing and love, I
hailed a cab and we began our journey to my house. My only task was to figure
out how I would make sure everyone slept comfortably. BUT FIRST, “let’s get
some food!” McDonald’s seemed to be our only choice. Not too excited but as
much as we drank, food was not a choice… it was a necessity! “Heyyy girl, I
like yo glasses” yells the guy driving into the parking lot of Mickey D’s. I
rolled my eyes and said thank you and pushed along my two friends to make sure
we got inside and ordered our delicious, nutritious junk. They walked into
Mickey D’s and continued to talk to us “so what’s up? Where ya comin from?”
rolling eyes, no eye contact “we was out”.
They didn’t get the hint and Mickey D’s was not accommodating so I told
them to forget it and we crossed the street to go to Dunkin Donuts… The guys decided
it would be a good idea to come across the street and continue to bother us. I
had now gone into protect mode. I was completely over these guys. One of the
guys asked her “are you a boy?” I was LIVID “did you think she was a boy when
you first started talking to her? Are you into guys? She is CLEARLY a girl! A
very pretty girl and that’s the only reason you approached her!” I don’t think
she had ever seen me get that upset, she was standing next to me but kind of
behind me, and the guy kept asking her for her number, her defense was “she
would get mad if I did” and then she held my hand. I know it wasn’t romantic, but the electricity that
flowed in that moment was intense to me! I had to look at her and make sure
that’s what was happening… and with no words thank her, for yet another
beautiful hand holding memory…
You know it’s always been funny to me how memories work.
But it’s even funnier to me how we can remember something so simple so vividly…
it’s amazing really. And just another special person’s hand touching yours
feels so different that you must remember it forever and ever, I will forever
appreciate simple special moments.
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