Though bubble/ brain diarrhea

Been a while huh?... I like to say that I love to write, and I do... but I never wanted to make an online diary.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.... Some things are private...

With that said.......................

AHHH F*ck it!!

I'll speak (type) as freely as I feel comfortable speaking (typing)....

So I've recently become more aware of who I "am"... by that I mean who I come off as to people...

I love the reaction and the feedback that I get from people! It's f*cking beautiful it warms my heart and sets my soul on fire....

Unfortunately what it's made me realize is...

I AM VERY F*CKING GOOD AT HIDING MY FEELINGS...

at times... even from myself....

I've had sh*t happen to me.. that only a handful of the closest people to my heart know of, and not ALL of the people I hold dear know it all...

The saddest part about them not knowing... Is that I won't tell them so that THEY don't hurt as much as I do from time to time....

I know a lot of people go through sh*t like this and I wanna say to you "I feel you baby... I know the pain of keeping secrets and I know the anxiety it causes to know you should let it out but NEVER know the words to say.... And fear your involuntary emotional reaction...." **Hug**

I hate crying...
It drains me...
It's cleansing, no doubt.... but I feel like I went super saiyan and wasted all that energy...just to feel empty....

It's like the feelings of anxiety and sadness (for lack of a better word) fill you and keep you..... Happy? 

Yea that sounds crazy.... I don't care...

I've learned to not even tell myself how I feel... I don't say everything not even in personal password-protected diaries/journals.... It's like my mind keeps my emotions in an illogically guarded prison.... F*CK! 

So every now and then it feels like you gotta take a break from life... But all you really gott do is talk... Which seems simple enough... But it's not...

Because how do you rally put all your feelings and thoughts and (somewhat) regrets into words without feeling like a little betch -_-

So you don't...

But what isn't a priority is how it affects all those who actually give a f*ck about you and visibly see you hurting...

I personally try to lie to myself by trying to glorify anything that seems even remotely better and just I-love-Lucy style sweep sh*t under the rug... And do "extracurricular" things to basically quiet the feelings... But eventually they one back.. LOUD! 

I don't know how to put my sh*t into words...

I don't know if I ever will... I'm thankful that I have certain people I can share even a little with though...

I make crazy decisions sometimes... In my right mind... I can't even blame it on "extracurricular" activities... Because my thoughts are never cloudy in those moments... Even of I say they are...

I want to apologize to anyone that I've made feel bad because of my personal sh*t... It's selfish of me... 

And this in no way is a complete blog...

But it'll do for now...

Peace