You
shine
Ferociously
Intensely
But
it is only when I get close that I realize that the shine I see from far away
can burn me and hurt me bad.
I
get close…
Not
because I don’t fear being hurt
But
because I can’t control the desire to feel...
To feel anxious
To feel sad
To feel uncertain
To feel simultaneously complete and empty...
I
yearn for the pressure in my tummy…
And
the pain in my chest
I
can’t take another night without being restless
I
cannot bear having an appetite…
I
want so badly to be consumed with thoughts of you…
I
am a masochist.
I
want you to hurt me.
I
want you to treat me how I know I don’t deserve to be treated.
I
want to give you my all and get nothing in return.
I
want to hurt…
I
want to burn…
I
want to love…
I
want you…
I
don’t even know why…
Why
do I want to give myself to an undeserving person?
Why
is it that no matter how many times my feelings get hurt, it seems as though I
want more?
Why
can’t I put myself on your pedestal and kick you the fuck off?!
I
just can’t begin to understand how I want you to turn my heart and soul into
dust with
every look,
every word,
every touch…
You
have blinded me with your emotionless ways…
I
admire your detachment…
I
want to be more like people like you…
I
just don’t know how to not care…
And
that shit is sad…
And it hurts every time...
But it's what I want...
So I'll just stop crying...
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