I love you. You know it really hurts me to say that. It hurts because I don't think you deserve my love. I think you don't deserve me to care. You really don't. I think to myself sometimes that it isn't good for me to harbor so much resentment towards you and I try to let go, but I can't bring myself to call you because I always have to try to make you want to be in my life!
I can always remember things you did towards the end of your marriage to my mother, and though it's better that you aren't together (there is no use in being with someone you don't love) the way you went about it wasn't right, and it's hard for me to even think of forgetting it.
Do you know how important a father is in a child's life? For boys they are the role model that teaches them what they need to be when they grow up, the blueprint of the man they will be...
but for girls...
You were supposed to be:
- My first love!
- My protector, security!
- I was supposed to be afraid to bring a guy home because he might not meet up to your standards!
- I was supposed to be your little girl... your princess....your only daughter...
Instead you divorced mom and us along with her... that shit fucking hurt!!!
I know why you guys divorced... I was there every step of the way... I wasn't a baby... I fucking caught you myself!
I overheard hushed phone calls...
I found condoms/other sex "stuff" in your possession...
And I had to console my mother as you lied...
and lied...
and lied...
You have never been affectionate and I have gathered in my head that it stems from your childhood being fucked... but did we have to pay for it?
Why couldn't you break the cycle?
I can barely remember ever getting a hug from you...
That has affected me in my adult life...
My choice in men is sad... because they are reminiscent of you...
I choose men that:
- show no emotion or affection
- have short tempers
- watch massive amounts of TV mostly sports
- have great senses of humor (because not everything about you is deplorable)
- are to themselves and don't talk much
- cheat
I blame anytime that my heart has been broken or ached on you!
Where were you?!
Where ARE you?!
You don't talk to me because you don't want to... or maybe because the woman that you left your family for (with her two daughters who you decided to make yours) doesn't want you to talk to me....
What ever your reason is...
I still think that you're a coward...
You have THREE biological children! THREE!
And we all have to chase after our father...
is that fair?
And I know that we can love other people's children, I've been there with my partner... but I don't see how you can claim them over your own...
By this I mean no offense to your step daughters, Because one of them I love, but you aren't their father... you're MY father! And you haven't acted as such for over 10 years! and that hurts me to the bottom of my soul...
Do you know what it felt like to hear from one of your family members that the reason you and my mother got a divorce was because SHE cheated on you?! That crushed me! You have never admitted to it and you go to church every Sunday and kiss THAT woman in front of God...
You should be ashamed of yourself...
And I don't even want to get started on her....
I know she's the reason you don't reach out to me...
I NEVER, EVER, EVERRR want to see her... even if I do decide to let YOU back into my life..
The way she spoke to me was terrible... and you let her... because you are a coward... you should have told her not to talk to me that way... you should have told her she was wrong for it... instead, you told me to relax... and proved to me where your heart is...
You hurt me... so much that I can't find it in me to be a bigger person any longer.
You have made me be one of the many girls who have daddy issues...
And I don't know how to forgive you for that...
So if you're looking for a way back in, you're going to have to grown the other kind of balls... not just the ones you used to have any of us.... The kind that people use when they need to handle things and stop being cowards... and not ask my brothers to get through to me. (as much as I appreciated my brother's effort, it isn't his responsibility to mend our relationship)
Because if you're really interested in having a relationship with me... being my daddy has been taken off the table.... you only have the option of being my father.
and you know how to get in contact with me...
signed...
Sherry
