Crushes and Infatuations

I've been thinking a lot...
about one person in particular...
It's driving me crazy..
I'm no poet by any means...
But I like to write down my thoughts.

So I've been sitting at work just kind of look at blank word documents, and filling them with thoughts...
 and these are two "pieces" I've written for these thoughts...
And as I mentioned... I'm not a poet... and naming these would be too hard...

So I call em both "Crush".. here goes...

My heart does this funny little dance when I get any type of vision of you…

A text or even a thought could make it samba…

There’s something magical about having a crush…

It’s painfully delicious…

My stomach hurts… my breathing gets funny…

Sweating… laughing… uncontrollably…

There’s a beauty to that and I can’t explain it…

Thinking of something said or done a week ago and smiling to myself…

I feel silly… but a good kind of silly… not dumb… happy… and for nothing more than just a thought…

Isn’t that beautiful?

 And then there's the negative side to this little "beautiful" feeling...

Mind racing…

Thoughts… memories… fantasies…

Can’t do anything but think of you…

It’s kinda sick, that feeling… no?

To always have one person on your mind?

Then you have to sit and wonder other things…

Like:

"Do you think about me?"

"Do you like me?"

"What did you mean when you said?"

"But you look at me like…..

 eh,...

 I guess maybe not."

So you tell yourself that you won’t do it anymore…

“I won’t think about you, I’ll just read this funny article”….

“Oh you’d probably think this is funny too!”

“FUCK!.. “ 

there you go again... 

Is there a cure for a crush?!

This shit is sickening!

So I get all into whatever work it is I have in front of me…

But my ever so active mind somehow ends up back to you… 

SIGH

So I tell myself… “don’t do it!”

“Quit that shit! I’m not meant to be a ‘passing fancy’ if I really think about you this much, it’s probably not healthy anyway”….

So I don’t … 

I don’t text, 

I don’t call, 

I don’t double tap…

Finally… 

peace of mind...

And then you text…

AND the process starts all over again…

Those are just thoughts and stuff... 

But I always think to myself... that if I didn't have the anxiety from this crush (and others in the past, I can't help but be a hopeless romantic with my non-affectionate ass) then the fruit of what may or may not come is just...less juicy... lol 

Lessons learned

How sad is it to find my written brain vomits about feelings.... pretty dang sad. lol

So I get to work this morning (Late... as usual -_-) and I get to cleaning up because I have such a large mess of paper here sometimes.......
my desk looks like what the inside of my brain must look like....

ANYWAYYYYY!

So I go digging through all the piles of papers and choose what stays and what meets death by shredder.... and I stumble upon this:

"I miss

• the way you stretch.
• the way you talk in circles and still make sense.
• trying to decipher what goes on in that head of yours, and only getting a headache of my own.
• the angry/grumpy face you make when you're thinking.
• the way you do things by slapping and throwing your arms around so you look super cool (but it's totally unintentional).
• the way your eyes ACTUALLY open when something surprises you.
• your strange explosive laughter.
• your random catch phrases and how no matter how many times you said them I always laughed."

Now, reading that may seem cute... right?

WRONG!!!

That person was, is and forever shall be so undeserving of any emotional expression from me!

It turned my stomach to find this note... but it served it's purpose. I got to see that no matter how much something hurts we can always overcome it... and that was a deep wound. It hurt so bad... there were way too many sleepless nights and skipped meals... so many cigarettes smoked and so many crazy thoughts that I didn't know how to make go away, but here I am... scarred but alive and ready to go on and possibly scrape my heart again lol.

Because that's what we do...
you know... us humans...
we get back up, and try again.


I'm pretty sure I will care about someone as ferociously as I cared for that person... and when I do I'll be sooo happy to share all the ooglie mooglies that live inside of me lol.

And I'll never forget the hurt... but I'll never fear it either...

<3