SEX!!!!!

Now that I have your attention....



I really just want to dump all of these thoughts that live in my head about the current state of our society....

So much anxiety...

Piety;

no longer something virtuous....

Just something used to spew hate.

The amount of hate that I hear and read on a daily basis is overwhelming at the very least because the word used to describe my feelings just doesn't exist.

It hurts.

I hurt...

For the LGBTQIA community...

African Americans...

Latinos...

Muslims or anyone who "looks" like it... 

It has pushed me into a bout of anxiety and depression that I am trying my absolute hardest to overcome but it is Got damn hard....

And....

The world is so consumed with who's right and who's not

Who's got more power and who they can devour...

They are forgetting that the most powerful thing we have is love....

Love...

The thing that will make a mother lift a car to save her baby...

Makes everything you do for anyone or anything else worth it...

What makes us "tick".

I tick

tick

tick 

and maybe that's why this all hurts so much because it feels like my love is on overdrive

like my second hand is going too fast and soon all my gears and shit are just going to explode into a mess of things I don't even know how to put back together...

How do you even fix that?

I don't want to feel the pain of the world... but I do.

I feel like I need to fight for it.....

But...

I lack the words to fight its fight...

But does that mean I'm not fighting my own fight?

Fuck...

Why does it have to be so confusing?

....so.... 

strange.

Honestly, it's not like this hate is news...

It's always been there and there are always those people who feed it...

Like Dominicans who don't think they're black...

and African Americans who don't believe they are racist...

and people of all shapes, sizes and saturated hues who are ignorant enough to agree with everything that is going on...

or similar to me who lack the words to make the difference they want but are so strong in their bliss of ignorance that they further dig this deep hole of hatred and it only gets harder and harder to climb out.

I miss the light...

For a moment (at least in my lifetime so far) I felt like that was all that was surrounding me...

I felt warm...

and happy...

and YES.

Now I feel like I can't even write most days...

Or talk...

 well, at least not about feelings that is...

I feel empty...

Like I'm all cried out or some other 90's R&B terminology referencing the fact that I feel I have nothing left to give....

Days I just want to go home and curl up into the fetal position until it all goes away...

but that never works.

I would have loved to have said something substantial here...

Something to change the worlds mind and make everyone hold hands and "kumbaya" and shit...

but like I said... 

I lack the words.

Working title

I never thought I'd meet you....
But I've known you all along.
So many different types of you and

                 somehow it's all the same, but so

different

Paradoxical you...

You've made me feel so much and

                       so little and

                                                   so numb

Funny thing about you is

sometimes you hurt so damn bad

while other times I feel so protected and so strong

nothing can stop me

nothing can go wrong

Sometimes you make me weak and leave me wondering when is the next time that I can have  just a whiff of you...

Like an addict just hoping to be able to feel...

I mean FEEL...

like...

L is for the way you look at me.
O is for the only one I see...

Except...

sometimes the only one I see isn't very good for me and

The way I feel just can't be life and

V is very, very extra ordinary.
E is even more than anyone that can adore you....


So why does it hurt?
because everything in moderation is a crock of shit...

                      because when something is as delicious as love...
you don't want just a little
fuck moderation

the whole cake is what you need!

You need to hurt

You need to cry

You need to laugh 

You need to feel...

like this is the only thing that matters...

like this is the only thing you need to do for the rest of your life 

to feel alive

to feel complete

cuz 

Love
so many people use your name in vain
Love
those who have faith in you sometimes go astray

because it's  impossible to understand how someone who can make you fly so high

can tear you down brick by brick 

and leave you having to ask yourself...

"Who am I?"

And

Love
through all the ups and downs, the joys and hurts
Love
for better or worse I still will choose you first

See...
It's crazy because you think all the shit you go through with one person is love taking you for a fool

but no

Baby, you ARE love

And once I figured that out
my entire soul set on fire
and I could think of nothing but spreading that love like a wildfire

And once I figured that out

Every soul I meet further propels me

higher and higher
and so I flew...
higher than anyone has ever launched me

Because I needed to love me
I needed to love me as much as I have loved anyone before me
and then

       only then 

and then I truly met love....
and his name was...

You

And oh how I love You...



                             And You love me so exquisitely...

And now I see my future....

                                             I feel no pain.
and no it's not made of rainbows all the time....

but what is?

You have given further meaning to my life
Got me practicing what my signature will look like once I'm your wife...

Think that's creepy?
He matches my crazy...
We've named our unborn baby
or babies if I get my way

We laugh
we cry
I hang up 
you call 
we rise and we fall
and we feel like just walking away
We talk
as our love advances we take second chances
though it's not a fantasy
We plan
We grow
We love
And every day that I'm blessed with your existence is more than worth every breath that I take...
until we expand our love and we create

We are a work in progress... 

so ordinary 

and 

so beautiful...