The first time it happened...
I didn't even know that's what it was...
"Let me come in baby girl" in his Jamaican accent...
"My parents will hear... I can't" We were whispering but it sounded like we were talking loud enough to wake the neighbors. He somehow got himself in without waking anyone...
He began to touch me, and granted it had happened before except... it didn't feel like how it normally felt. I had recently found out some less than savory information about him (like the fact that he had a live in girlfriend and a very young daughter...) and he was trying to make it seem like it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. I was a baby then... and I think back now and KNOW I would handle it differently now that I'm an adult... but I didn't want it to happen that night... but he decided that it wasn't my choice...
"Stop! I don't want to do this!" I whisper yelled...
"If you make noise they're going to hear you! Just SHUT UP!" he responded in the same tone but just a little more harshness lived in his whisper yell.
He covered my mouth...
and he had his way...
and I died a little that day.
Someone saw him leaving and made up terrible rumors... and I just had to live with those rumors because what had ACTUALLY happened was more embarrassing to me than just a silly boy's thoughts on what might have happened. I now had began my life of keeping a secret that would hurt any time I remembered how real it was.
The next time it happened...
I knew exactly what was happening...
Difference was... I had completely gotten myself into this situation....
I'm not saying I deserved it... because NO ONE... at all... deserves it... but I could have done things differently...
I was still a child.
After several conversations through AOL's chat rooms and a few private messages of our own...
A few phone conversations and a pic or two being exchanged...
A meeting was arranged...
"I have a car, I can go anywhere you want me to meet you" he said... making it seem so cool and accessible to my simple young brain...
"Really?! Well, then come to... blah, blah, blah..." I thought to myself how exciting and adventurous this felt! I didn't for one second think about the trouble I could be getting myself into... not even, like parental trouble.. but like forever.... emotionally scarred trouble...
He showed up.... He wasn't cute... in fact, he looked kind of scary...
My heart already knew and feared what my brain hadn't figured out yet...
He started kissing me forcefully... I was attempting to get away but he was strong...
so strong...
He began to undress me... and I couldn't stop it, and for some reason I felt defeated before it even happened...
He protected himself... that was about the only humane thing he did...
Then he invaded me...
I use the word invade because there was no invitation...
I was stiff... I wasn't in anyway stimulated by the way things were playing out...
I remember looking straight into his face... and trying to understand what was happening...
I guess that was bothering him...
You know... looking into the confused face of this child he was literally forcing himself into....
And so he turned me around...
I tried to scramble...
He grabbed me strong...
He now invaded a new entrance...
I screamed....
I cried...
Hysterically...
I couldn't understand why?
How?
How could he do this to me?
He was sweating... I could feel it dripping onto my back...
It was disgusting...
He was disgusting...
I was disgusting...
Another secret to keep....
The last time it ever happened...
And I say the last time because I learned to be colder that day...
My innocence was completely killed...
They did it...
I was once again being rebellious...
and it once again bit me in the ass...
I wanted to smoke... and I had a friend that was going to do that with me... problem was...
we had nothing to roll in...
I saw them passing by and I invited them to smoke...
(It's usually someone you know... with this and murder... which in my opinion are the same thing... except with murder... you don't have to live with the memories of how you died...)
I watched them close and lock the door that my friend had just walked out of to go get something to roll in...
Now it was just us...
They then pulled out not one but two blunts...
"yesssss!" I thought to myself...
I couldn't have been more naive...
I began smoking... and slowly started to feel a numbing sensation...
This was new...
I'd never felt like this before...
Then one of them came close to me and started to kiss me...
I clenched my teeth shut...
that was my only defense because my arms and legs were not functioning...
"Open your F**king mouth you little b**ch!" he said... with clenched teeth of his own...
"No..." I said through clenched teeth... it's all I could say from that moment on...
As I sat in my chair paralyzed with only my teeth as a barrier and protection...
His cousin walked behind me and grabbed both my arms... he stood me up on me feet and lovingly told his cousin "I got her ma nigga..."
and while his cousin continued to attempt to kiss me... He... violently... invaded me with his hand and one arm continued to hold me in my standing position with legs made of jelly....
His cousin eventually grew tired of not getting his way... being rejected for a kiss was the last thing he expected... you know, because every girl can only DREAM about kissing the guy who drugged her so he could kiss her...
silly me...
He laid me down... and... after protecting himself...
he had his dream come true...
while I cried...
while he killed the little bit of me that still felt even remotely alive...
"You still think you're the sh*t?!" "huh?! You little f**kin b**ch?!" "You gonna keep walking around here like you're better than everyone?!" these were the sweet nothings he whispered in my ear as he viciously killed my soul....
I had carpet burn... a swollen lady part... bruises... and blood shot eyes....
and all of those things healed...
it hurt to urinate for days... and then one day it didn't...
You know what didn't heal?
My spirit.... that was a lot harder to fix...
I couldn't pour peroxide on my spirit... or put a band aid on it...
I couldn't sing "sana sana culito de rana" to it...
One night I was coming back from a youth group I started going to when I felt completely lost...
I was walking with two very good friends of mine... when I hear someone calling out...
"PIT FIGHTER!!" in a taunting kind of tone...
I was nosey... I wanted to know who they were saying that to...
(The term "Pit fighter" was used for girls who willingly slept with more than one guy at a time)
They were saying this to me...
Those animals had the audacity to tell people about what they had done... completely leaving out one key factor....
it was not consented...
I was mortified... but too proud to cry... so I got angry.
I cursed... I threatened to fight them... I cursed their mothers....
They all laughed...
AT me...
That was the last time it happened...
They successfully taught me:
To not trust....
To keep my walls up...
To be very selective about who I let in...
To never be the same person I was again...
Some stories are just so sad...
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