Thought bubble: Life update 2.0

I recently underwent a things-that-make-me-unhappy purge, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me!

I lost my job that made me so utterly miserable that I couldn't eat or sleep, and could only obsessively think. Why did I lose it?
I like to say the universe did me a favor, but in reality I lost it because I was being VERY intentionally irresponsible. I had called out on a Friday, came in late (2 hours to be exact) the next Monday and then called out on Tuesday. I told them I had an emergency but didn't go into detail because my emergency was that if I went in to work that day..... I'd probably just burn it down. Soooo when I came in Wednesday morning, on time, just cuz lol I was pulled out of the office after being there for 2 hours (how ironic) and told that they "couldn't give me any more chances, and this was the end of the road". Normally after being fired one should feel sad.... but I was so F**king happy I could dance. It was as if they had lifted 3 tons of weight from my shoulders. The only issue was what I was going to do for money. So I walked back into the office, and said nothing to anyone around me. Packed up 3 years worth of sh*t in about 5 minutes and stuffed it into ONE bag, and left.

No goodbye-s
No see ya later-s
No I'll tell you what happened later-s

Just left.

It was surreal. I had been so miserable there and that moment was just like a bittersweet dream. I knew I didn't want to be there but I never wanted to quit because I hadn't found anything better to seamlessly transition to yet. Now there was no excuse for not looking for my happiness.

I lost someone who I had in my life for so many years that I felt like getting rid of them would be impossible. I considered this person the one who "raised" me, and when I say that term... I mean it loosely because I wasn't actually raised by him... he just kind of changed me. I dated him for 4 and half years and I was so young that I couldn't see where it would end I just knew I was with someone and the thought of being alone was so scary that I just dealt with any and everything that he did. This included mooching, and cheating. We broke up long ago, but for some reason he always remained in my life. I don't even know why. We (in my head) were never going to be together again, but I craved company and therefore, I did exactly what I hated him for..... I mooched and I played with his emotions, and for that I apologized. I met someone who made me happy and I needed to make sure this person knew that I really wanted to give us a chance and so... I told my ex that I couldn't speak to him anymore. He of course didn't take that lightly. He called me all kinds of selfish, and I took all his verbal blows because I really did deserve them. But I know that there is no easy way to "break-up" with anyone... even if you aren't dating them. I was the bad guy... but only after being the good guy for too long and dealing with treatment that I didn't deserve. I'm glad that chapter finally ended... not because I met someone, but because if I didn't do it now... it was only going to continue to be a burden in my heart and soul and I owed it to myself. So whether things work out with this person I'm seeing or not... I'm going to make sure that I never revert to selfish ways and stay true to this happiness in my soul, knowing that I've gotten rid of someone toxic, whether his intentions had changed or not.

Now I'm working at a new place, it's a daycare center. I love KIDS! And working at a daycare offers me the perfect birth control.... KIDS. lol. I don't get paid any better than I did but it is ever so fun. I have to be there super early, but 2-4 year olds are better than coffee at 7am, and every time I hear "Ms. Sherry" my heart melts.

I'm happy. For a long time I couldn't say that and truly mean it.... but I am so happy.
So grateful.

and

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO selfish.

but only because I deserve to make myself happy before I make anyone else happy... how can you do something for someone else that you don't even know how to do for yourself? You can't.

So I'm promising myself happiness and I know the universe will reward me with everything I deserve.....


Sherry <3

P.S. I may start posting stories from the daycare as they pop up, because kids are hilarious!

Simple and Special....

"The spaces between your fingers were created so that another's could fill them in."

Tyler Beene

 

*******Hand holding*******

Those special moments, with such simple touch… I can't really explain the feeling that happens when I hold a person’s hand for the first time and it just sparks… It's a sense of trust, it’s like a feeling of love, for that one moment we are standing together, you’re not alone and neither am I… And even if this promise isn't forever, you know, this hand holding promise...

It's so beautiful to have that little sense of electricity sizzle through your body... I can vividly remember 5 hands holding mine for whatever reason these 5 hands made an impact and I felt electric...

*When I was 14 and we held hands because we didn't know that there were other things to do yet... We were so innocent and that moment was everything...

"So like, do you wanna be my girlfriend?..."

After I said yes.... We held hands first before we even had a kiss... I still remember how clammy his hands were... For no reason because we started dating in March so it was kinda chilly... And although I dislike things that feel clammy, his hand in mine was everything to me...

**One of my friends came out to me a few years ago...

It was hard for her to do that and I remember that night so well that I can still feel the chill from outside... I can still remember how beautiful the bridge looked... I can still remember her eyes glossing up because she was so scared of voicing what she knew she was about to say and she kept rubbing her thighs... She was so nervous... She had no clue how this was actually going to come out of her mouth... She was breathing heavily and she grabbed my hand so that I can feel her heart... It was racing! It was beating so quickly that I got scared... You see, we had been sharing secrets that night... And her secret was quite a doozy... I told her she didn't have to say anything she didn’t want to as I began to take my hand off her heart.... Then we held hands for a second... Her hands were clammy... But I held her hand strong with both hands... I was hoping she could feel that no matter what she was about to tell me I was gonna be there as a friend... And then...

"She is my partner"

"I know"

"No... Like my PARTNER"

"I'm not as dumb as you think I am"

A laugh... A wiped tear... And a hug... Pure love

***A lot of crying went down… A lot. I was so hurt. “That’s it! You’ve gotta leave him! He will not disrespect you like this anymore!” It’s what I kept saying to myself. It had become my mantra. He had been asleep and I decided to look through his phone, and as the saying goes “when you look you find”… I found, and it broke my little heart. Not that I didn’t expect it, I did, completely. But I just didn’t want it to be true, or real. I was hoping that he would wake up and show me his real phone, and then we could laugh and laugh about this fake phone I had in my hand full of text messages from several girls telling MY boyfriend that they missed him and that he should come fuck them again… AGAIN! I woke him up, quite creepily actually; I sat by his head on the bed and in a very calm voice I asked “is it because my ass isn’t as big as theirs? Should I take hormones or get butt injections? Will that keep you faithful?” His eyes opened slowly and he asked in a groggy, I’m-still-drunk voice… “What are you talking about?” to which I responded “All the girls you play me with have big butts, so is that what I need to keep you here?” again, “what are you talking about?” and so I got up and showed him his phone and we had quite a brawl… I’m not normally one to use my hands to express my feelings but I loved him so ferociously that I wanted to physically make him feel my pain. We cried to each other… and slept in separate beds that night… in the morning, a kiss on my forehead and a stroke of my cheek was what woke me… I woke up and looked at the unfaithful man that I loved. He sat next to me and said “ask me whatever you want to know, bae, I’ll be as honest as I can…” and extended a hand… I held it, and felt everything, every little bit of anger was gone, I was left with sadness and curiosity… but in that moment, with my hand in his, I was safe… and he was my net.

****We knew each other for a long time… and although we had gotten quite active, just trying to be respectful and not really say that four letter word, because that’s what we did… we four-letter-worded… There wasn’t any love there, at least not mutually, and it was ok. It was what we did. No kissing. No feelings. No commitment. We just four-letter-worded. Then we stopped, we allowed ourselves to become friends, and it was beautiful. The night feelings were ever expressed it was through text… and I’m glad it was because I can always go back and read them… although at this point, it wouldn’t make me happy to read them. “Damn you woman!” was what I received… “lol, what’s wrong?” was my reaction “I just can’t stop having visions of you, it’s fucking weird” and my heart went into hyper speed, I couldn’t breathe, I almost thought I would cry, “I wish you knew what you just made me feel like by saying that” and in retrospect, that was the beginning of my heart being broken beyond repair, but in that moment… my life was complete. We didn’t see each other for a few days after that, but when we did… We were at my cousin’s house. It was a little mini-gathering; we did that from time to time. We were all sitting around eating and drinking wine. We went out on the terrace for a bowl and a cig, and then he and I came inside. We sat on the couch. I had a hard time looking him in eyes, he kind of drove me crazy, so I just sat there next to him and melting into the couch looking straight forward… my right hand palm up next to me. He took one of his fingers and kind of traced my hand very lightly, and my entire body shivered… it was amazing. Then he held my hand, fingers laced, and tight… this hand wasn’t clammy, maybe because it wasn’t real for him… but to me… that moment… was a lasting memory… and always will be.

*****We had gone out. I love going out with them. They are my friends. But she is special, special in a way I still haven’t found the words to describe. After a crazy night of drinking and dancing and love, I hailed a cab and we began our journey to my house. My only task was to figure out how I would make sure everyone slept comfortably. BUT FIRST, “let’s get some food!” McDonald’s seemed to be our only choice. Not too excited but as much as we drank, food was not a choice… it was a necessity! “Heyyy girl, I like yo glasses” yells the guy driving into the parking lot of Mickey D’s. I rolled my eyes and said thank you and pushed along my two friends to make sure we got inside and ordered our delicious, nutritious junk. They walked into Mickey D’s and continued to talk to us “so what’s up? Where ya comin from?” rolling eyes, no eye contact “we was out”.  They didn’t get the hint and Mickey D’s was not accommodating so I told them to forget it and we crossed the street to go to Dunkin Donuts… The guys decided it would be a good idea to come across the street and continue to bother us. I had now gone into protect mode. I was completely over these guys. One of the guys asked her “are you a boy?” I was LIVID “did you think she was a boy when you first started talking to her? Are you into guys? She is CLEARLY a girl! A very pretty girl and that’s the only reason you approached her!” I don’t think she had ever seen me get that upset, she was standing next to me but kind of behind me, and the guy kept asking her for her number, her defense was “she would get mad if I did” and then she held my hand. I know it wasn’t  romantic, but the electricity that flowed in that moment was intense to me! I had to look at her and make sure that’s what was happening… and with no words thank her, for yet another beautiful hand holding memory…

You know it’s always been funny to me how memories work. But it’s even funnier to me how we can remember something so simple so vividly… it’s amazing really. And just another special person’s hand touching yours feels so different that you must remember it forever and ever, I will forever appreciate simple special moments.

Dear Heartbreaker...

You shine

Ferociously

Intensely

But it is only when I get close that I realize that the shine I see from far away can burn me and hurt me bad.

I get close…

Not because I don’t fear being hurt

But because I can’t control the desire to feel...

To feel anxious

To feel sad

To feel uncertain

To feel simultaneously complete and empty...

I yearn for the pressure in my tummy…

And the pain in my chest

I can’t take another night without being restless

I cannot bear having an appetite…

I want so badly to be consumed with thoughts of you…

I am a masochist.

I want you to hurt me.

I want you to treat me how I know I don’t deserve to be treated.

I want to give you my all and get nothing in return.

I want to hurt…

I want to burn…

I want to love…

I want you…

I don’t even know why…

Why do I want to give myself to an undeserving person?

Why is it that no matter how many times my feelings get hurt, it seems as though I want more?

Why can’t I put myself on your pedestal and kick you the fuck off?!

I just can’t begin to understand how I want you to turn my heart and soul into dust with 

every look, 

every word, 

every touch…

You have blinded me with your emotionless ways…

I admire your detachment…

I want to be more like people like you…

I just don’t know how to not care…

And that shit is sad…

And it hurts every time...

But it's what I want...

So I'll just stop crying...

 

Young, Wild 'N Free

"Hurry!! We gotta be there by 12!"

That's what Friday nights sound like...

"Who's coming?"

"Who's name we gotta say at the door?"

"Make sure they look good!"

"Don't bring any whales!"

But I don't know any whales.... only beautiful people.

"TAXIIIII!!!!!!"
stay on the corner while I catch this cab... you gotta sneak in...

"Noooo no no! I can't take 5 people... 4 is max, 4 is max!"

Downtown...
Midtown...

All over...

Kisses...
Hugs...

Familiar faces yelling "I F*CKING love you!" and you yell that shit right back with the same amount of intensity...
but only because you do love them with that much intensity...
and you dance.. .
and dance...
and drink...
and dance...

as you make new friends...
for the night... or for life...
but that's your choice...
it's always your choice...

The lights

The music

The people

The drinks... and other stuff

It's all perfect and I can't think of anything that can make it any better...

It's the weekend and I'm chillin wit ma niggaz.... Drunk n disrespectful callin women Biiitchez!

"aaaaaah!!! Let's go the bathroom!"

All the girls standing in the line for the bathroom!

"Where's my phone?!"

"oops I found it.."

"SELFIEEEEEEE!" 

and 17 of us crowd into a 4" screen to smile big, or make a duck face, stick up a middle finger, or chuck da deuces... 

How can I not love my nights with the people I love?...

Of course I don't have them all with me but I have a few that are always there on these nights...
I've always heard people measure their friendships in years... or time...


But the most beautiful thing I've learned from my life and the amazing people I keep in it is...
That the quantity never matters... it's all about the quality...

And my life is surrounded by quality people...

Love...

Love...

Love...

And I can only hope that this feeling lasts forever...

and these pictures can last forever...

and these memories can last forever...

and these people can be mine forever...

Love...