Young, Wild 'N Free

"Hurry!! We gotta be there by 12!"

That's what Friday nights sound like...

"Who's coming?"

"Who's name we gotta say at the door?"

"Make sure they look good!"

"Don't bring any whales!"

But I don't know any whales.... only beautiful people.

"TAXIIIII!!!!!!"
stay on the corner while I catch this cab... you gotta sneak in...

"Noooo no no! I can't take 5 people... 4 is max, 4 is max!"

Downtown...
Midtown...

All over...

Kisses...
Hugs...

Familiar faces yelling "I F*CKING love you!" and you yell that shit right back with the same amount of intensity...
but only because you do love them with that much intensity...
and you dance.. .
and dance...
and drink...
and dance...

as you make new friends...
for the night... or for life...
but that's your choice...
it's always your choice...

The lights

The music

The people

The drinks... and other stuff

It's all perfect and I can't think of anything that can make it any better...

It's the weekend and I'm chillin wit ma niggaz.... Drunk n disrespectful callin women Biiitchez!

"aaaaaah!!! Let's go the bathroom!"

All the girls standing in the line for the bathroom!

"Where's my phone?!"

"oops I found it.."

"SELFIEEEEEEE!" 

and 17 of us crowd into a 4" screen to smile big, or make a duck face, stick up a middle finger, or chuck da deuces... 

How can I not love my nights with the people I love?...

Of course I don't have them all with me but I have a few that are always there on these nights...
I've always heard people measure their friendships in years... or time...


But the most beautiful thing I've learned from my life and the amazing people I keep in it is...
That the quantity never matters... it's all about the quality...

And my life is surrounded by quality people...

Love...

Love...

Love...

And I can only hope that this feeling lasts forever...

and these pictures can last forever...

and these memories can last forever...

and these people can be mine forever...

Love...

Some stories are sad... and possibly fiction....

The first time it happened...
I didn't even know that's what it was...
"Let me come in baby girl" in his Jamaican accent...
"My parents will hear... I can't" We were whispering but it sounded like we were talking loud enough to wake the neighbors. He somehow got himself in without waking anyone...
He began to touch me, and granted it had happened before except... it didn't feel like how it normally felt. I had recently found out some less than savory information about him (like the fact that he had a live in girlfriend and a very young daughter...) and he was trying to make it seem like it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. I was a baby then... and I think back now and KNOW I would handle it differently now that I'm an adult... but I didn't want it to happen that night... but he decided that it wasn't my choice...
"Stop! I don't want to do this!" I whisper yelled...
"If you make noise they're going to hear you! Just SHUT UP!" he responded in the same tone but just a little more harshness lived in his whisper yell.

He covered my mouth...

and he had his way...
and I died a little that day.

Someone saw him leaving and made up terrible rumors... and I just had to live with those rumors because what had ACTUALLY happened was more embarrassing to me than just a silly boy's thoughts on what might have happened. I now had began my life of keeping a secret that would hurt any time I remembered how real it was.


The next time it happened...
I knew exactly what was happening...
Difference was... I had completely gotten myself into this situation....
I'm not saying I deserved it... because NO ONE... at all... deserves it... but I could have done things differently...
I was still a child.

After several conversations through AOL's chat rooms and a few private messages of our own...
A few phone conversations and a pic or two being exchanged...
A meeting was arranged...
"I have a car, I can go anywhere you want me to meet you" he said... making it seem so cool and accessible to my simple young brain...
"Really?! Well, then come to... blah, blah, blah..." I thought to myself how exciting and adventurous this felt! I didn't for one second think about the trouble I could be getting myself into... not even, like parental trouble.. but like forever.... emotionally scarred trouble...

He showed up.... He wasn't cute... in fact, he looked kind of scary...
My heart already knew and feared what my brain hadn't figured out yet...

He started kissing me forcefully... I was attempting to get away but he was strong...
so strong...
He began to undress me... and I couldn't stop it, and for some reason I felt defeated before it even happened...
He protected himself... that was about the only humane thing he did...
Then he invaded me...
I use the word invade because there was no invitation...
I was stiff... I wasn't in anyway stimulated by the way things were playing out...
I remember looking straight into his face... and trying to understand what was happening...
I guess that was bothering him...
You know... looking into the confused face of this child he was literally forcing himself into....
And so he turned me around...
I tried to scramble...
He grabbed me strong...
He now invaded a new entrance...
I screamed....
I cried...
Hysterically...
I couldn't understand why?
How?
How could he do this to me?
He was sweating... I could feel it dripping onto my back...
It was disgusting...
He was disgusting...

I was disgusting...

Another secret to keep....


The last time it ever happened...
And I say the last time because I learned to be colder that day...
My innocence was completely killed...
They did it...

I was once again being rebellious...
and it once again bit me in the ass...

I wanted to smoke... and I had a friend that was going to do that with me... problem was...
we had nothing to roll in...
I saw them passing by and I invited them to smoke...
(It's usually someone you know... with this and murder... which in my opinion are the same thing... except with murder... you don't have to live with the memories of how you died...)
I watched them close and lock the door that my friend had just walked out of to go get something to roll in...

Now it was just us...

They then pulled out not one but two blunts...
"yesssss!" I thought to myself...
I couldn't have been more naive...
I began smoking... and slowly started to feel a numbing sensation...
This was new...
I'd never felt like this before...
Then one of them came close to me and started to kiss me...
I clenched my teeth shut...
that was my only defense because my arms and legs were not functioning...
"Open your F**king mouth you little b**ch!" he said... with clenched teeth of his own...
"No..." I said through clenched teeth... it's all I could say from that moment on...
As I sat in my chair paralyzed with only my teeth as a barrier and protection...
His cousin walked behind me and grabbed both my arms... he stood me up on me feet and lovingly told his cousin "I got her ma nigga..."
and while his cousin continued to attempt to kiss me... He... violently... invaded me with his hand and one arm continued to hold me in my standing position with legs made of jelly....
His cousin eventually grew tired of not getting his way... being rejected for a kiss was the last thing he expected... you know, because every girl can only DREAM about kissing the guy who drugged her so he could kiss her...
silly me...
He laid me down... and... after protecting himself...
he had his dream come true...
while I cried...
while he killed the little bit of me that still felt even remotely alive...

"You still think you're the sh*t?!" "huh?! You little f**kin b**ch?!" "You gonna keep walking around here like you're better than everyone?!" these were the sweet nothings he whispered in my ear as he viciously killed my soul....

I had carpet burn... a swollen lady part... bruises... and blood shot eyes....
and all of those things healed...
it hurt to urinate for days... and then one day it didn't...
You know what didn't heal?
My spirit.... that was a lot harder to fix...

I couldn't pour peroxide on my spirit... or  put a band aid on it...
I couldn't sing "sana sana culito de rana" to it...

One night I was coming back from a youth group I started going to when I felt completely lost...
I was walking with two very good friends of mine... when I hear someone calling out...
"PIT FIGHTER!!" in a taunting kind of tone...
I was nosey... I wanted to know who they were saying that to...
(The term "Pit fighter" was used for girls who willingly slept with more than one guy at a time)

They were saying this to me...

Those animals had the audacity to tell people about what they had done... completely leaving out one key factor....

it was not consented...

I was mortified... but too proud to cry... so I got angry.
I cursed... I threatened to fight them... I cursed their mothers....
They all laughed...
AT me...

That was the last time it happened...

They successfully taught me:
To not trust....
To keep my walls up...
To be very selective about who I let in...
To never be the same person I was again...

Some stories are just so sad...

Right?

All those words you said to me…

All those words… you know they meant a lot to me, right?

I mean clearly they meant nothing to you, just a few things you decided to say to get your way… 

Cuz that’s fun… right?

I try to not think of you and I try to tell myself you were a lesson… 

but sometimes I can’t help but want you to hurt.

Hurt like I did….

Hurt like I do…

I want all that shit erased from my mind… but as you know… my memory is my gift and my curse…

When it comes to you… it’s a curse.

You know it’s almost been a year…

A whole fucking year!!!

Why is this still something that weighs me down and emotionally drains me?!

It still causes me anxiety.... it still suppresses my appetite... it still steals my sleep from me... 

It still leaves just a shell of me...

Is it because I never got to tell you how much it hurt?

Is it because you never apologized?

Is it because I realized too late that I had kind of fell for a fucking narcissistic sociopath?!

How could I have been so silly to think that any of it was real?

All those serotonin induced confessions…

Silly things that come out even if you don’t really mean them…

Was it real?

I still can’t tell…

I can remember all those nights so fucking vividly… 

This shit is driving me crazy…

I want to forget you…

But my heart won’t let me…

Because I can still feel the sting on the scars you left that haven’t healed.

And you…. 

you live on… 

because it never really mattered…. Right?

Compulsive writing o.O

You ever get this feeling...

Like, this feeling that just nags and nags at you, until you gotta do what it wants?!

That happens to me often... often enough to drive me nuts...

Sometimes I just have to draw something...
sometimes I just have to repeat something...
sometimes I must count something......
But a lot of times it's this compulsion to write...

and it isn't a terrible compulsion... it's actually kind of relieving sometimes, even when I don't know what the flip it is that I want to write about...

So, now that you got a back story on the madness that is the inside of my head.... I can tell you that I have no clue what it is that I want to write about but I'm gonna move these little fingers until I feel it.. lol

There are times when the odd feeling will start nagging at me and I will attempt to ignore it but it never really works because all that ends up happening is that I get EXTREMELY anxious and eventually succumb to the needs of my compulsion....

such is life in my head.... -_-

Funny thing about this compulsion bullshizzz is that when it would be convenient to be compulsive like when I think about doing something and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and... well you get the point... the compulsion doesn't take over and just do it... it instead waits until the moment the thought has completely passed or the opportunity has been missed, to then compulsively and obsessively think about the missed opportunity...

Why must you be so cruel brain?

Seriously,  I consider myself to be quite outgoing and outspoken.... calculatedly of course, but none the less. But there are certain things that no matter how much I want to, My brain somehow says... "Nope, not gonna"
and so, since I have no choice but to obey my brain I don't... but then here comes my (I have no fricking clue what to call it... maybe my brain is split or something) and has that whole "smack-your-head-while-you-call-yourself-stupid" thing happen... over and over and over and over and... well you get it... lol again.

I can't say that I hate it, I have this kind of love/hate thing going on with it... 

It keeps me on my toes to think about lots of shtuff, and it drives me insane at the same time.

In a strange way it's like I love my insanity...

o.O
what the actual frack am I talking about?...


That's my cue... I'll take a break now...

Pointless blog...

Today I thought I'd write something that takes me the whole day to type...
kind of a random thought thing...
I don't know how entertaining it will be for you, but I know it will make me feel a great deal better...

9:15am
Can't believe I made it in here "on-time"... better than yesterday. I hope this man doesn't mess with me today. In fact, I think I'll just focus on other things and that way I don't attract his crappy energy...

hmm... I think I'll go get some coffee now...

9:49am
I think I'm going to die here... well not die, but I will suffer a great deal before I can leave! I've had my coffee and 2 small sesame rolls... but I fear that was the last of my happiness for the day...
Le sigh...

9:57am
2 Unknown calls... aliens?  eh... Bill collectors.

10:50am
.................................................................................. ! ......................................................
Have you ever just wanted to not hear what people around you are saying?... Like it's soooo boring to hear what they are talking about, or it's annoying and you don't even want to have an opinion... I feel like that for 8 hours... I don't want to talk to some of the people I work with at all, so when I get out of work... it is impossible to shut me up! lmfaooo

11:35am
While listening to my toady boss answer personal phone calls on his cellphone, and simultaneously doing my boring old job... I've also submitted my resume to about 5 different places. I need out of this place. And if I'm not working towards getting out, then I just don't care about the well being of my soul! (which is NOT true... I want nothing more than peace of mind and calmness within...)

11:49am
So like if I documented all the things my boss does that he tells us not to do... then what? o.O

12:08pm
Yes! PM!! Coffee, SnapChat, Facebook, Instagram, texting, craigslist, blogger.... these are a few of the things I'd like to thank for my success in surviving until this very moment!

12:37pm
What the flip am I gonna eat for lunch? Fries? nah... -_- fried rice it is... I can never be adventurous with my tummy! ugh!

1:10pm
I should be stepping out on break... I've decided on a sandwich... sigh
I'm going to make a list of books that would be fun to read... I'm thinking an excel spreadsheet... I like charts... #oddLife

1:13pm
Totally sidetracked from my list of books to a list of mental disorders... Short attention span... gift and a curse.

1:17pm
Adult ADHD test... passed. or failed?... Says I gots the ADHD -_-

2:13pm
Definitely changed my mind about lunch... mashed potatoes and Pernil! Yusss! called mom... Love that lady... <3

3:14pm
3rd unknown call... I'll pay you on Thursday! I decided to take these few minutes to text away... "hello princess how is your day going?" "Eh.. it's going, just keeping busy... yours?"
"I love you!!!" "I love you too! better day?" .... I clearly had a shitty day yesterday... "write about what?" "write down your feelings and then turn it into a poem.. it's what I do because I don't fully understand poetry but I have a lot of feelings..." I love the people who keep me entertained throughout the day... <3 <3

4:30pm
It's almost over now... this ridiculous, boring day... I've been making a list of interesting books I may want to read but it may be just another project I make up just to keep myself entertained and then.... just like that... it's boring and I don't wanna do it anymore...

4:56pm
Who waits for 5pm? Not this girl...


Seriously... this helped me get some crap out of my brain... it's a pointless blog... but I do it for me, not you lol
<3 you anyway :)