No love allowed...

You started to open up to me, but what for?

You mentioned being roommates, but what for?

You asked if I had ever thought about a relationship, but what for?

You said "we should go on vacation together"…

"Or with people"…

"Or just us"... BUT WHAT FOR?

You said you wanted to be my friend for a long time…

You know keep me under your wing... 

Well, what happened?

Did you suddenly forget that I am human as well and have feelings too?

What were your intentions?

Seriously, what were you trying to do?

It isn’t fair...

Do YOU think it is?

If the roles were reversed, how would you take it?

Is it really 'kay to treat someone the way you treated me?

I don’t think I could ever do that to anyone… 

But I guess we’re cut from a different cloth huh?

And then you have no emotions towards my reaction to this act of disrespect… 

I’m dramatic?

Is my vagina showing now?

Or are you just being a penis?

You LET.... 

MADE me get closer!

You even asked me to open up to you, let my guards down,

 BUT WHAT FOR?

Do you get satisfaction out of hurting someone, so much that they have to forcibly do normal things like eating, sleeping, breathing…?

I’ve been through lots, and maybe I don’t talk about it because I don’t feel like having a pity party over something I’ve survived through.

Maybe I’m guarded for a reason.

Maybe I don’t think everyone should know EVERY single little thing that happens in my thoughts.

Maybe some things that happen are private and for the best reason in the world……

So that I don’t get hurt…

And do you know what the worst thing is?

...................................................................................

 

The worst thing is that aside from me being hurt, 

I am still not vindictive.

You’re lucky.

I can see how you are with her, 

I can see our similarities and our differences

and I could have said anything I wanted to her,

but I didn’t because I respect you as a friend.

Something you don’t do for me.

So when you sit back and think… 

“What happened to her? She used to be different…” 

Just remember YOU were the one who took the Friend out of Friends with Benefits, 

and lost the benefits along with a friend.......... 

Fear & Anxiety Thought Bubble

fear  

/fi(ə)r/

Noun An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

anx·i·e·ty  

/aNGˈzī-itē/

Noun A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. Desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease.

These are two feelings that I am very familiar with. I can’t say they’re my favorite feelings but they happen to me more often than not. Lately, it’s been easier for me to admit that I’m not a risk taker.  That may not be entirely true though because I do take risks, but they’re calculated risks. I like to think things through and do research and even make sure I know the consequences. This is why I tend to not be very spontaneous.

This kind of makes me feel like I’m not living my life to its full potential. I asked one of my friends for advice on whether or not to accept concert tickets from someone and the response I got was “Live a little” … I didn’t live a little because I declined the concert tickets, I weighed the consequences against the reward… and the consequences won. I don’t want to say that I’m a feline (be creative on what I mean by that lol) but I definitely don’t like to make the wrong decisions. Precisely why I’m 26 years old and I’m not a mother and have never really had to deal with those kinds of scares. I take calculated risks.

But I do this sh*t all the time… and sometimes I get annoyed by it because I spend a lot of time in my head thinking about the smallest things, and playing out made up scenarios where things can go in the worst direction ever, which almost always ends in me not going through with the original thought which brought on the whole scenario playing in my head to begin with.

Even the simplest thing like telling someone how I really feel about them becomes a huge task. It’s not like I can’t just say it…. Oh! That would be so simple… I need to go through the list of things that may go wrong:

1. They may not feel the same way.
2. They may just want this to be a sex thang and not an actual thang.
3. They might have someone else lined up and I’m going to look like a fool!
4. What if I say this and then I can’t be friends with them anymore…

That’s the scariest thought that last one. I would hate for one of my thoughts that decided to escape from my minds prison to cause those types of consequences. I enjoy the people that I keep in my life… So much that I would rather not have them know certain thoughts just to make sure they are comfortable and then I could deal with the feelings of not letting things out later. It kicks my butt to not say everything but it works out for the best… I think…

What if I just spoke with no regards as to the repercussions or other people’s feelings, how would I feel then? One of my loved ones tells me that I care too much about other people and that’s why I go through all these motions and end up eating myself up inside. I know it isn’t healthy but I’d rather feel fear or anxiety of losing someone as opposed to guilt for hurting someone’s feelings or saying something to make someone leave my life. I would be devastated.

I don’t know what the solution is to this problem but I know that I may not even find it. I would have to do a total re-evaluation of my character in order to not care about everyone else’s feelings in any situation. And by this statement I’m not saying that I’ve never hurt anyone’s feelings, because I have, and sometimes it’s intentional because my feelings were hurt first while other times it’s unintentional and I end up feeling terrible.

I guess this is just me feeling funny about things I don’t understand, the feelings just aren’t fun.. bleh

Sherry <3

Thought Bubble #2

Every time I think about this blog, I am full of anxiety because I want to write about things that are interesting to lots of people and add my own little flair to it. I initially wanted it to be some sort of advice column, and that idea was short lived... What I've wanted to stay away from, is it becoming some sort of online diary. BUT! We don't always follow rules now do we? I need to vent, I don't want to talk about it because spoken words aren't my forte... so I guess I'll write. I don't know the exact amount of people who read this, nor do I care, I'm just about to let my brain barf...

So I am now 26 years young and in my head I've had some life experience. I just feel like at some point I decided to step back and have a look at what's going on... and then started doing some weird zig zag pattern with life where I'm not completely moving forward but not going back, yet not standing still.... That crap doesn't make any sense and I guess it gives even more life and meaning to the anxiety that I feel in my chest on a daily basis. It's gotten to the point where even having circle-time doesn't help me to not think...

I do a lot of thinking... I think about what exactly it is that I want to be/do when I really do have to grow up. I think about things that have happened, and the reasons why they did happen. I think about my current work situation and how wacky it is, but I think about the reasons why I can't leave yet. I think about boys (that word is as general as I wanna be without being specific) and how all they do is make you think.. SMH. I think about my past relationships, and how they've done something... I don't know if they made me grown, shrank me down, or just fudged me up completely but I sure do a lot of thinking about them. I think about how easy it is to be with someone for a long time just to not be alone, be taken for granted and stick through it... just to not be alone, and then in the end when you are alone, you're fine... but it's too late because you already had to live through that other stuff. I think about the people who I love and care about, their problems, and how I can try to help them. I friggin think.

But as much thinking as I do, I still kind of feel like I don't think enough... I had a conversation yesterday where I was being asked questions about myself, and I couldn't answer them. Questions like:

• Long term do you want to be married?
• Do you see yourself in a completely monogamous relationship?
• Have you ever had a "normal/healthy" long-term relationship?

------ Apparently those questions are very f*#king hard for me to answer... I DON'T KNOW... I really hate those words... I know things about myself like the fact that I want to know about everything to the point where I either seem nosey or like an annoying know it all.. I know that I do enjoy having one person to be with, but I can't say that I have faith in marriage and that I even agree with it... but that's me.. and when I gave that answer it then had a follow-up question... Where do you think that comes from? MY PARENTS! I'm not going to go into the whole parental units being a little off because it's not like they had the most shocking story in the history of marriages and divorces... we'll just say that they impacted my view of relationships and commitment in general. To the point where I don't really know what I want/need/expect from a relationship, I don't even know who I'm into. I start getting close to people and I never want them to know everything about me, it even works that way with my friends. Something I hear all too often is "I can't really read you Sherry". I smile when this is said to me because I find it funny that I think I am so out there, that it's impossible for people to not know exactly how I feel... but at the same time I know exactly what I'm doing... because my brain is always telling me what to do... I think a lot remember?

I constantly contradict myself because I'm not exactly sure what the hell I'm doing with every step I take. I say I'm not a risk taker but I never have a plan. I say I'm not experimental or outgoing but then (and my friends know at least this much) I'll try ANYTHING once. I laugh a lot, it may sound cute but it's just my own little defense mechanism, like my own little protection because sometimes I laugh at things that make me really sad but the thing is if I laugh at it then I automatically tell myself it's funny... and I'm instatly "un-hurt"... I say a lot and it's not always what I do. That scares me. I don't know who I am sometimes... I don't know who I wanna be... Should I? Jeez Louise! I'm having a Mid-20's life crisis and this Sh*t isn't fun at all... It's scary to think that you don't know yourself after your whole dang life!

Here are the tricks that I practice in order to not make people who care about me worry (and I'm sure if any of you are reading this now you'll begin to worry, but please don't...):

1. Smile! Even when all I want to do inside is cry. Sometimes... as happy and chipper as I may appear to be, I got a million and two point five things doing a mad dash through my head like they're doing sprints... It's to the point where I can almost keep up with whatever people are telling me, while I think at the same time... Exhausting.
2. Daydream like it's nobody's business. I keep myself busy not only with thoughts but sometimes I like to live out what my thoughts would be like in real life... in my head<<< I truly think that I've lost my mind... so don't worry you're not alone in thinking this about me.
3. Circle-Time a.k.a. Long Distance Phone Calls- Yes, they certainly make me feel a little better.

• Soothe my anxiety.
• I'm around people I know and most of the time care about, so there is a comfort zone in this activity that momentarily makes me feel safe and happy... like a smokey security blanket. Yikes!

4. Talk... excessively. Not about anything that's bumming me out or making me feel a certain way.. most of the time that's still a secret to me until I explode. But about anything under the sun. Including repeating stories that I've probably told a million times, just to fill the silence that I'm afraid would happen if I for one f*#king second shut the hell up... This one is frustrating, because I don't think the people that I'm talking to realize how badly I just want to shut up sometimes.

Now this post by no means is a cry for help guys.. lol. I love my life and all the confusing sh*t that happens in it, all the paradoxical behavior is just one more little quirk it offers. I just feel like I don't express my feelings and sometimes it's important. I tend to keep it all up in hee-ah (circular motion in the upper chest) and then when something small like a Coke instead of a Pepsi happens, I break down into tears (that's an exaggeration but you get what I mean lol). And I might as well make you all suffer through reading this long as hell and self-absorbed rant! 8^*

So much for not making this an online diary... Well I still keep some secrets...
That's important.


Sherry <3



Been a while... I guess I'll have a lil tawk

Heller...
It's been a while hasn't it? I guess sometimes my attention gets occupied by other things... mainly going to school, spending time with friends as well as circle-times.
I guess I should catch up...
Since my last post my status has changed to single! I don't know about ready to mingle but most definitely single, it's about time I know how it feels to truly be young, wild and free ;)
I've started the new semester as well which might be another reason I haven't been able to post anything up here, since I've mainly been typing for school or work. UGH!
I also got suspended from work sometime in August because I was being "insubordinate" aka not being a P#*sy!! I live the thug life lol

I won't go into details on the break-up, but I will say that sometimes we have to do what our brains tells us to do and stop trying so hard for something that acts as if it doesn't want to happen. Sometimes the barriers aren't worth breaking. I've realized sometimes we stay with someone because we're afraid of being alone. The fear of not having someone to talk to till you go to sleep, or not having someone to talk to when you feel like your chest is heavy (with emotion that is, not physically for the pervs -_- lol) keeps us anchored in the wrong sea. I had to analyze my situation and noticed, the same things I was afraid of not having were the same things I was longing for. So I was with someone who offered none of what I needed. Sex should never be something we make a priority (as good as it feels, it can also leave you feeling empty and used). But yea that's part of what's been going on...
As for the getting suspended from work thing... THAT is a funny story!!
I guess I will just not stand for someone to disrespect me, and when you speak to me with your hands (making gestures) I'm going to take it as you pressing me. There is no title on this planet that will save you from my wrath.
I hate Mondays and that isn't a secret, this particular Monday happened to be a Tuesday because I hadn't come in on real Monday lol. I came in and said (very politely) "Good morning" and didn't receive a reply. My boss had been leaving early every Friday for the previous 3 weeks and a call had come in for an address change which I have no access to. I told the caller to call back on Monday and she called back on Tuesday, I tell my boss and she asked me a question that made no sense. So I asked her what, and since what means repeat exactly what you said because it made sense the first time I just like hearing it, she asks the same exact question. I asked her what a second time and the reaction I received was "ARE YOU NOT FOCUSING?!" while throwing her hands in a "HELLO?!" kind of manner ( I should tell you that my boss has the type of nails that make you question her hygiene). I wasn't happy about that, and of course made it clear by frowning and saying that I don't believe she's using the right words, she asked me to pick up my things and go home. This pissed me off! I asked her if she was firing me? She says "No, you're being suspended!" to this I replied "F**K OUTTA HERE! Call your boss and tell him to tell me that". To make a long story short, this wasn't the right thing to say to a power-hungry person lol. I got suspended for 4 days and had the weekend off, so all in all I came out winning! Broke, but still with dignity.

Anywho, I plan on writing more often once the semester is over because I've been asked what's going on with the blog and I feel bad for starting something and not realizing people were actually reading. :)

Also I don't want to make this an online diary. Send me questions and scenarios that I can write about, stimulate me folks! lol

Well, let me get back to work before I end up suspended once again, hope you all enjoy this Monday (which I dislike) and stay AWESOME!!

Personal Rant

Sometimes... we have to vent our feelings, so why not just rant aimlessly through the keyboard to whoever will read...
I guess this is something that bothers me because I believe I'm more than a nice rack and cute butt. There are times when guys I've talked to in the past or I've known in the past for whatever reason contact me, make small talk and then start talking about my physical attributes ie. "you have big boobs" or "looking good"....

********************NEWSFLASH GENTLEMEN!!!!!!********************

We don't need you to tell us you want to do the no pants dance with us... we know. Now the problem is this... most of the time you have known us before and never made a pass. I know this was usually the case with me. I wasn't always this awesome looking (yes, yes I'm tooting my own horn because I can dag nabbit!), believe it or not. I used to have crushes on guys that I thought were hot $hit and they wouldn't give me the time of day.

Six years later I get emails and messages on social networks that start with...
"Hey Sherry! Long time no speak!" <<<<<<That is already the beginning of an uncomfortable conversation. From there it usually goes into the "how's life?" bit<<<< where I proceed to say that life is great and keeping me super busy and blah.. blah... blah... EVENTUALLY but not too far from when the conversation started it turns into, "where did those boobs come from you didn't look like that before?!"<<<< FIRST of all, unless there is a doctor out there handing out free boob jobs, I never got one! SECOND, had you paid attention when you had MY attention you would have seen them GROW! THIRD at this point I'm only entertaining a conversation with you, so you could EAT YOUR HEART OUT!

So here goes a personal story...

A few years ago I had a crush on this guy...  We didn't hook up, just fooled around. Then we didn't talk for a very long time, like long enough for me to not think about him at all. Then a year or two later he contacts me on facebook and gives me his number, and tells me that I should text him because he wants to talk to me. He did the "how's life?" bit and then got down to business, tells me he doesn't want a serious relationship, and we should hang out. Then within a month he has a serious girlfriend. Don't get me wrong, it didn't affect my life because he wasn't a focal point but it just is so disappointing to see that some guys can be so full of themselves... although he remains nameless here, I won't trash talk him because as a person, he's a-ok.

Here's the kicker though! (This one here is the reason I am writing this post, I just noticed a pattern)

When I was significantly younger... I met a guy we can call him Chris (Not his name at all). Chris seemed to have it going on, he was older, he worked for "BMW", and he was pretty hott! Problem is he was on the verge of moving to FL because of a burn on his leg that was pretty bad. Regardless, we kept in contact for all those years. In the process I would send him little pics here and there of myself and he would send me pictures back, this was the extent of our fling. This was our thing, since we weren't able to see each other. We got to know each other pretty well and he even helped me out a few times. He was  the beez knees... Then when I was finally able to make a trip down to FL, I find out he has a girlfriend who is pregnant. I know at this point that it's over and will not ever happen, so I agree to see him and hang out with him and my friends that were with me. Nothing at all happens... I'm talking not even a hug. This was in 2009 by the way. When I get back home I'm getting phone calls from the girlfriend calling me a slut and that I should know that he loves her and they are having a baby and they are soooooo happy and I need to stop trying to break up the happiness they have............. IS THIS B#*!@ SERIOUS?! I told her there was nothing going on and that we were just friends, but my best friend wasn't satisfied with that... So she then went on to tell the girlfriend that "he's a triflin a$s n*%$a" and that if he was able to lie to her or omit the fact that he was going to chill with me and we're just friends that she should just IMAGINE what he does with girls that aren't just friends....
Needless to say... that caused a lot of trouble.
Fast forward to this year... he contacts me again through facebook, and commences the "how's life?" bit and I give him the "life is great and keeping me super busy" and blah.. blah... blah..-bit and his next statement was "wow ,you still have big boobs!" I thought to myself that FOR SURE he had lost his Muhfuggin mind!
I really want to flip out but the truth is, that this kind of $hit is always going to happen, because we put ourselves out there and then want guys to respect us. I'm not proud of the shit that I did for any guy to ever think that it's ok to objectify me to the point where it just becomes about one of my body parts, or several. I've made a personal decision to not put myself in the "stupid" position. I will work on my actions and reactions and that way there will be no reason for me to be disrespected because I respected myself from the beginning. People don't always get what they want but they get what the deserve. When you push too hard for something you WANT, you end up getting the wrong thing, or you might even mess it up lol. I'm going to be a big girl now. I will not look for any one's attention. I will give myself attention and in the end... it will all work out.

I think I'm done venting.

<3,
Sherry

I'm having asexual problem...

What do you do when you are love with someone but there's no longer any physical attraction? In fact, I don't feel physically attracted to anyone...Am I asexual?

H

H,
Love... What is that thing? CRAZY! That's what! It was very intense to read your question because I wanted to put myself in your position for a moment... I couldn't do it... so my advice probably will not reflect me feeling like I'm on your level (but I'll try my best not to be bias in any way).

It's kind of tough for me to answer your question directly so I'm going to break it down and give you several answers. These first two will give suggestions on attempting to fix the physical attraction factor... before we even begin to consider you being asexual.

Is the lack of physical attraction due to the fact that your significant other is out of shape?
If so, try to find fun activities for you both to do, such as Bike tours.. (click this for site), it's a fun work out and it's like $40 bucks per bike for the whole day, Helmet is included and $5 for a basket. You can bring sandwiches made of turkey and cheese on whole wheat bread and fruits and water, and get into shape together while having a romantic day and sparking that attraction over again. Take a jog together. Help your significant other get to where you can be physically attracted to them, and work on your bod at the same time... Why not? lol ;)

Is the lack of physical attraction due to something on/off/ or about their body that no longer "does it for you"?
If so, I'm attempting to picture what could be wrong and the only things that can come to mind that would be game-changers for me are like amputated limbs...or deformation (which if you're in love shouldn't matter anyway). Unfortunately I don't know what the situation may be.. so you might have to consider maybe talking to your significant other about this issue you're having. You can't go wrong with telling them your feelings. After all, you say you are in love with this person, so you should be able to share intimate thoughts without even a second thought. If you are attempting to look out for this person's feelings, eventually everything done in the dark comes to light and it will hurt them to find out later, in an alternate way that you are no longer physically attracted to them.

Now then... you said you're not attracted to anyone... and you're wondering if you're asexual.... Let's not jump the gun here. I had to look up asexuality to make sure I fully understood what it meant. So naturally I went to the most reliable source on the Internet WIKIPEDIA!! (click) LMFAO, but when they mentioned a Japanese chef, named Mao Sugiyama, surgically removing his genitals and serving them to customers.... uh... I decided to look for a more reliable source. That's when I stumbled upon AVEN's Site (click) they offer a much easier to understand definition of asexuality, and if this is really what you're feeling you might benefit from this site because they are an asexual community. You can talk to people who feel the same way and can help you better understand yourself.

Sexuality is another tough thing to understand. I've been attempting to come up with a blog involving steps and ways to "come out of the closet" for anyone who may need help with that, but I feel like nothing I write can ever make it any easier. I hope I've made sense to you regarding your issue... and thanks for the email... Later Gater!

<3,
Sherry

Foodie Fatty's Feelings

Nice blog. How do you feel about eating healthy, dieting, exercising... Do you eat all kinds of food or are you picky?

-Ron

Thanks Ron, I'm trying and having fun at the same time!!
If you had asked me this question 3 months ago, my answer would've probably been "HAHAHA! I don't work out" and that is the reason why I gained A LOT of weight in the span of a year. -_-
Fortunately! I've quit smoking cigarettes and have tons of energy now! I've started running (sshh... not even close to running but I guess we can call it that since I do "go fast" for about 1 minute lol ) I've been eating moderate meals as opposed to the exaggerated portions I had been serving myself all my life....
So here's my opinion... It's hard to train yourself into eating healthy but it's necessary, at least for a good quality of life. I love veggies, though not like a vegetarian loves veggies but I wouldn't skip them with a meal. Dieting isn't my thing. I lack the discipline necessary to hold on to the same dietary regimen. I would like to consider it, but I need to wean myself off of junk. Now exercising is a whole different story! I think it's very important to exercise! Getting up off our behinds is sometimes a little hard seeing as tv is so very fun, computer usage is addictive (ie. The Sims 3 for me) and beds and chairs are ever so comfy. I try to do some yoga often, whether I use Exercise tv on demand (Channel 1023 on Time Warner Cable) or going to Bikram Yoga ( http://www.bikramyogaharlem.com/ They have good deals and discounts for students check out the site) which is hot yoga in 105 degrees for 90mins with the nicest people and some awesome bods! It helps stretch your body and does wonders for other bodily functions, and you feel like HEAVEN when you come out of there! I recently got a bike off of http://www.craigslist.org/ which I totally recommend because let's face it.... bikes are REALLY expensive! I ride the bike a few times around the block. I have my last meal around 9:30 and drink lots of water. That's about as far as diet goes for me, and as for exercise I want to get into a routine but it's going to take determination.
You asked if I eat all kinds of food or if I'm picky....... FOOD IS JESUS!! I am not picky at all which is what may have landed me in my weight gain predicament lol. I eat like it's my last meal, that's why it's going to be hard to cut back and eat only what is necessary and not what my stomach thinks is the amount it needs to be satisfied (which is considerably more than it should smh).
Slowly I'll work it all out but health is seriously important, I took the first step by quitting cigarettes, and starting to do some exercise. It's not going to be easy... but then again what is?
<3,
Sherry